Hans

Sometimes when all else fails, writing it down helps to let it go, to release something that other wise would stay bottled up. Yesterday I ran over our puppy. It's hard for me to say it, harder for me to tell people and harder to realize myself the destruction I did to our dog. It was very traumatic, night marish, surreal almost. I still don't understand why he ran under the tire or how I did it. Or what purpose this stands, what lesson this is suppose to teach me. I believe everything happens for a reason, and sometimes we don't understand the reason, but for the life of me I can't figure out what good or lesson could be learned from this. Replaying it in my mind gives me the chills. Hans annoyed me at times and mad me so mad, but I didn't realize how much I loved him or would miss him being around until now when that is a real possibility. I went home at lunch, to feed Hans, and let momma kitty Shane out. I fed Hans tried to get him to calm down and sit, scratched him under his neck, which is his favorite spot and then got in the car to leave. I backed up slowly, watching for Hans because he always get so close to the car and then put it in drive to leave. He always follows the car but usually stops right at or before the cattle guard, but not yesterday. I crossed it, didn't see him and started to go and then I heard and felt the worst thing ever. I knew immediately I had hit him, it's kinda like I blacked out for a minute just hoping and praying that some how he would be limping off. I stopped the car open the door and saw him lying there yelping. I ran over to him and could tell he was hurt bad, I thought his back was broken because he wouldn't move his legs. I thought I could pick him up and put him in the car and get him to the vet, but I tried to pick him up and he bit me, I know it hurt me trying to move him. Then he started bleeding from his mouth and he pooped on his self and I started to freak out. I am usually calm in situations like this, but not yesterday. I started screaming and crying hysterically and needed help from someone. I tried calling Fred but it went to voicemail, frantically I thought who else could I call. I tried calling Roy but it was like a bad dream, the phone wouldn't dial, I couldn't see which button to push to make it go thru. It's weird trying to recall everything because I can't really remember the sequence of everything. I called Fred again or he called me, anyways I was trying to get him to come help, but he couldn't hear me, he couldn't understand. I just wanted him there, I needed someone to help me. Fred was on his way and I sit there with Hans, trying to console him and he laid his head down on the pavement, I thought he was dying. After what seems like hours waiting, watching for Fred to arrive he got there. We didn't want to hurt Hans anymore so Fred laid his vest down and we put Hans on it and we carried him to the truck. That truck ride to the vets seemed like forever, no one would move over and Hans wasn't moving his back legs, he was bleeding all over the truck. Fred called Doc on the way and we were informed Doc wouldn't be there for a couple of hours, I chose to still go there, because Doc is caring and very good at what he does. Once at the vets, they wanted to weigh Hans and I couldn't stand it, I just wanted them to help him, not weigh him. They assessed him and gave him so pain meds and all we could do was leave and wait to hear from the vet. As of this morning Hans is doing ok, his lungs are hurt pretty bad, his left is only functioning at 20% and his right at 70%. He has a bad cut on his leg into the joint. Doc would operate on the leg, but his lungs won't hold up, so his leg will just have to heal on it's own for right now. Said he could walk and was eating.

Single Life

5/9/12 I'm really at a turning point in my life. I've been single for 5 months now and in a just a few days the divorce will be final. Some days I don't know which was is up or where to turn, but all in all I think some how, I've got to be headed in the right direction. Above all I think my Daphne is happy, and truly that's all that matters to me. I really one day want to find my happiness too, but she is first. I will spend my last breath trying to make her happy, because I truly believe that is the meaning of life and our duty as parents to ensure it for our children. I remember as a pre-teen starring in the mirror thinking I was pretty. I remember later that afternoon having the guy working on the neighbors house check me out reconfirming I was pretty, but somewhere between that time and high school I lost my ability to think I was. Was it hearing my dad say that Robin would be the prettiest of his daughters, was it always being the big girl out of my friends, was it my shyness, was it not having a boyfriend? What defines beautiful? Who decides whether you are pretty or not? Why as a woman, a girl, a teenager a child is it so important? You are the only one who can make yourself believe you are beautiful. But with so many expectations and stereo types, it is easy to question your attractiveness. Why did I start with being happy and then move to being pretty? Well for me they kinda go hand in hand. Yes, that is very vain, but I can't help but think that. I'm a people pleaser

My Quote to you

My love for you knows no ends, it is unfaltering. It is the purest and deepest of love. It can only be felt by a mother and never explained to anyone who is not, nor understood. It brings the greatest of joy, and the biggest fears and worry imaginable. It is the absolute of unconditional and only grows stronger.

Wow time has past....2 April 2013

January- We had a mild winter. I wish I remembered more but I don't. I know you are growing like a weed and talking so much more then any kid at your age. I found Shane this month and brought her home, she had been missing since after Christmas. You were so excited to see her and for her to be home. February - Valentines Day. For Valentines daddy brought you ballons and a gift. Me you and Heath got take out food and watch the alligator show, Swamp people. Heath bought me a puppy named Hans for Valentines. He is a white lab and so cute, but so very much puppy. You didn't like him at first because he got the attention and jumped on you. He has since quit jumping on you and now you love him. You love messing with Heath and will get in any cheap shots on him that you can. Your new imaginary friend is the other Daphne, you see her in the mirror and other places. Sometimes she runs away and you can't find her. You have two crushes George, the card board cut out at mommies work and Eric the ranch hand at my work. It's so cute you get so shy around Eric and hide and won't talk to him. But he is all you talk about when he is not around. You get your playdough out and ask me to build you eric, or you get your etch a scetch out and want me to draw him. You are obsessed with Spongebob and contantly want to watch it and cry when you are not allowed to. March - My poor baby was sick most of March with double ear infection. When I took you to the doctor you weighed 30lbs. We have talked about you not being shy around Eric and at the end of the month you finally talked to him and said hi Eric. This month you got a weird owie on your foot. Im still not sure if it was a burn or bug bite. But it swelled up got red and stayed there for several weeks and still is not completely healed. Begining of this month we took you to your first movie that you actually set thru. It was Return to planet Earth. One of the characters on there was named Gary, Gary became your friend and went to school with you. The other Daphne also sometimes goes to school with you. I put you in a big girl bed and it was very trying at first, you continued to get up and not want to go to sleep.

Wow time has past..... April 2013

Daphne, I'm so sorry I got so far behind on the blog, you are my world, you mean everything to me. I knew I was behind on writing to you and I felt guilty about being behind, so I avoided trying to catch up and the only thing that got me was further behind. Then my computer crashed and I lost my blog and couldn't log in and long story short here we are April 16th, 5 months since I wrote to you. Wow, 5 months of your life that is nearly half a year that I lost. Just typing that makes me feel even worse. I'm gonna try and catch up. October, your birthday month, Halloween. For your birthday we did Mickey's Clubhouse. We got a huge bounce house with a slide, cotton candy machine and popcorn machine. Your daddy and Ryan came to the house and for a few months you talked about how they were there at your house and you were so happy. You loved the bounce house and kept asking for it when it was gone. We celebrated your birthday from the Saturday before to the Thursday of your birthday and on the way home Thursday night from the restraunt you said, no more birthday I done. I went to Mississipii the Friday following your birthday for the weekend for work. It was the longest I had left you. I was so happy to see you Sunday night when I finally got home. For Halloween I made you a oompa loompa outfit and sprayed your hair green you loved it. You kept wanting to make your hair green for the next several days afterwards. Heath's memom went trick or treating with us. November, Thanksgiving. Holidays were ruff for me this year, because you had to split your time between me and daddy. That is one of the hardest things about being divorced is having to share you. I work so much and have so much going on that I feel like I lose so much time with you already that I don't want to give you away on the days I'm off. Thanksgiving I had you in the morning and we went to Heath's memoms for lunch. You are so use to being the center of attention that you didn't like the fact that there were 5 other little girls you had to share it with so you acted rather bad the whole time we were there. That evening I took you to Uncle Tony's house to meet daddy. December, Christmas. Let me just say you got more then you needed! From me, daddy, my family, his family, Heath, Heath's family, my friends at work, your friends at school. We spent Christmas Eve with Heath's family in Cedar Hill and we went and visited Grandma and memaw and grandad for a bit. Santa Clause came Christmas eve and all you asked for was a coke. Christmas day you went with daddy.

October 2012

Oh the month of October, quite possible my favortie month of the year. Do you know why this is??? Because it is the month that brought you into my life. The month that changed me forever, the month that brightened my life, the month that completed me as a whole. It's Monday the 22nd 3 days before your birthday. Let me list your accomplishments, your milestones your achievments! You can count to 3 consistently and to five sometimes. You know your colors, red, blue, black, green, yellow, orange, purple, pink, brown! You can sing intsy bitsy spider by yourself! You clearly speak full sentences and carry on conversations. Are you ready for the big one??? You are potty trained!!!! Only wearing a diaper at night! Here are some funnies. You love playing the cry game, especially with Heath. You point and say you cry, you cry! You have been saying shutup. I have repeatedly been telling you not to say it, that it's a bad word. So sometimes I catch you mumbling to yourself, "shutup, that's a bad word."