Well we had our first blood shed the first week of this month. You had just got out of the bath tub and were standing beside it trying to pull the hooded towel off your head and slammed your mouth down unto the side of the tub. You busted your lip and gum. It was my fault, I should have helped you. I'm so sorry baby girl.
You are an indian giver. You are still helplessly in love with Lonnie and bring him every where. Your talking alot more and your favorite word is tree.
I think the best part of the day for both of us is when I take off your shoes and socks. It feels so good to you and makes me happy seeing your little face light up and tickling your feet.
You had a wonderful Christmas and got way more then you'll ever need.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Month one of Year one
You have the biggest attitude right now.. I swear by turning one you having become this little fussy hissy baby. You swat at things or people you don't want. And whine almost as soon as you get in your car seat. On the other hand you also love everything right now and want to give it lovins. Also yesterday it was so cute you were calling for Lonnie.
week 2
Aaaaa the attitude is getting a little better. You call for Lonnie all the time. Took one more step.
Week 3&4
Saturday November 20th you started walking!!! That morning you started side stepping then just full on walking. It is so cute your still a little wobbely but are doing very well. We are up to 8 teeth now!!! Two bottoms in the front 4 tops in the front and one top and bottom molar on the right side! You are a bit of a meanie and tend to slap at other kids when they get to close to you.
week 2
Aaaaa the attitude is getting a little better. You call for Lonnie all the time. Took one more step.
Week 3&4
Saturday November 20th you started walking!!! That morning you started side stepping then just full on walking. It is so cute your still a little wobbely but are doing very well. We are up to 8 teeth now!!! Two bottoms in the front 4 tops in the front and one top and bottom molar on the right side! You are a bit of a meanie and tend to slap at other kids when they get to close to you.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Month 12
Week 45
Week 46
Top tooth in the middle has finally broke through. You grabbed my phone when I wasn't looking and took it and hid behind the chair. How do you know to do this already??? You can give high fives!
Week 47
Today will be the first time you ride in your big girl carseat. Don't think anyone will be riding in the front seat though with that big thing back there. Your fifth tooth came in, middle front. Had to turn the carseat forward facing. You love it. You pulled a little girls hair at daycare because she wouldn't let you take her toy. New words include chicken and Chloe. Took you to the zoo for the first time.
Week 48
You are getting mean. You tried to bite Mrs. Judy at daycare because she wouldn't let you eat sand. You are also very sweet in the mornings, when I pick you up out of your crib you look around for Lonnie so you can take him with you. You clap your hands and play patty cake when I tell you patty cake.
Week 49
Finally moved to size 4 diapers. So cute you put both your hands on your head to play peekaboo and look around. First trip to the dentist, you did ok but were a little scared. Dentist said the flap in the middle of your mouth might have to be cut as you get older, other then that you are fine!
Week 50
Fell out of the little truck at daycare and got a huge bump on your head...
Week 51
You so have my attitude, it's funny how mad you get over stuff. You said Lonnie!! Finally realized to put baby powder on your bottom rather then cream, it really has helped your constant rash!
Week 52
It's birthday week kinda sorta, well birthday party week. You keep trying to get into your presents already. Had your first taste of chocolate milk, you loved it. Have started reading Alice in Wonderland you vaguely seem interested lol.
Week 53
I have totaly screwed up the dating on this blog but that's really not important. Saturday 0ct. 22 we had your birthday party! All of your family came and plenty of barnyard animals. Surprisingly you loved the turtles the most. You also liked feeding the goats grass you picked rather then the treats we had for them. You were so good natured and recieved so much stuff, so many people love you baby girl. Sunday after that was Mackenzie's birthday party and you took your first step. Only one but I got to see it and I am so happy for that. You now will stand up by yourself without holding anything and stand there for a long time. On your actual birhday, you stood up and bounced your knees a bit dancing, you are finally getting your balance. Tuesday for your birthday we went to the zoo and again the turtles were your favorite and the flamingos.
Week 46
Top tooth in the middle has finally broke through. You grabbed my phone when I wasn't looking and took it and hid behind the chair. How do you know to do this already??? You can give high fives!
Week 47
Today will be the first time you ride in your big girl carseat. Don't think anyone will be riding in the front seat though with that big thing back there. Your fifth tooth came in, middle front. Had to turn the carseat forward facing. You love it. You pulled a little girls hair at daycare because she wouldn't let you take her toy. New words include chicken and Chloe. Took you to the zoo for the first time.
Week 48
You are getting mean. You tried to bite Mrs. Judy at daycare because she wouldn't let you eat sand. You are also very sweet in the mornings, when I pick you up out of your crib you look around for Lonnie so you can take him with you. You clap your hands and play patty cake when I tell you patty cake.
Week 49
Finally moved to size 4 diapers. So cute you put both your hands on your head to play peekaboo and look around. First trip to the dentist, you did ok but were a little scared. Dentist said the flap in the middle of your mouth might have to be cut as you get older, other then that you are fine!
Week 50
Fell out of the little truck at daycare and got a huge bump on your head...
Week 51
You so have my attitude, it's funny how mad you get over stuff. You said Lonnie!! Finally realized to put baby powder on your bottom rather then cream, it really has helped your constant rash!
Week 52
It's birthday week kinda sorta, well birthday party week. You keep trying to get into your presents already. Had your first taste of chocolate milk, you loved it. Have started reading Alice in Wonderland you vaguely seem interested lol.
Week 53
I have totaly screwed up the dating on this blog but that's really not important. Saturday 0ct. 22 we had your birthday party! All of your family came and plenty of barnyard animals. Surprisingly you loved the turtles the most. You also liked feeding the goats grass you picked rather then the treats we had for them. You were so good natured and recieved so much stuff, so many people love you baby girl. Sunday after that was Mackenzie's birthday party and you took your first step. Only one but I got to see it and I am so happy for that. You now will stand up by yourself without holding anything and stand there for a long time. On your actual birhday, you stood up and bounced your knees a bit dancing, you are finally getting your balance. Tuesday for your birthday we went to the zoo and again the turtles were your favorite and the flamingos.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Month 11
Week 1 (41 Weeks)
Just realized I've been dating this blog all wrong and must re-do it. Grrr but that is nothing new seems like I have lost my brain since you've been born, but it's all worth it. I swear I'm the biggest mornon I've been telling everyone your age based upon the number of weeks you are and I think I'm wrong. Also been scheduling your doctor appointments this way. grrr Your other bottom tooth has came in and we finally are back to sleeping through the night.
Week 42-45
Sorry baby girl did not write to you for a bit, but you were amazing and made me smile every day.
Just realized I've been dating this blog all wrong and must re-do it. Grrr but that is nothing new seems like I have lost my brain since you've been born, but it's all worth it. I swear I'm the biggest mornon I've been telling everyone your age based upon the number of weeks you are and I think I'm wrong. Also been scheduling your doctor appointments this way. grrr Your other bottom tooth has came in and we finally are back to sleeping through the night.
Week 42-45
Sorry baby girl did not write to you for a bit, but you were amazing and made me smile every day.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
10 months
Wow today is day 3 of month 10 and I didn't realize you were this old already. I thought you were still 9 months and when I counted on the calendar I was like wow already. We bought you a stuffed oppossum the other day and you love it. You carry it around everywhere and really love its' tail and feet.
First week of month 10 and you can wave and say bye. I love hearing and watching you do it. You are now bear crawling everywhere instead of just regular crawling, it's so cute. You make new faces now, the cutest is when you squinch up your nose and push your lips out and blow.
2nd week... on Sunday Aug 14th you finally have a tooth!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing when I glanced in that little mouth of yours. The tooth fairy does exist and she finally came to bless you with that little tooth. This tooth came in an unusual place on the top in the spot of a fang. You did not cry, run fever act irritable or anything that would have led me to believe you were getting a tooth. My tough little girl. Also about a month ago I noticed you have to weird skin flaps on the upper sides of your mouth. Doc says nothing to worry about unless it affects your speech or eating. Also you have stopped waving and saying bye bye. The only reason for this is because you are so stubborn. Took you back to the doctor again today for your rash, got more cream. You weighed 19lbs.
3rd Week
The Saturday of the third week we took you to the coast for the first time. 5 hours into our trip with you crying bloody murder I realized you had more teeth coming in. You had one on the top and the two bottom ones trying to come through. Well by the end of the trip one bottom one in the middle had came through. You loved the beach and the aquarium. You ate sand and were fearless of the water. You kept trying to crawl further and further out. On the trip you said Hi Daddy, Big Fish and drink for the first time! I was so proud.
4th Week
One more tooth at the top other side fang.
First week of month 10 and you can wave and say bye. I love hearing and watching you do it. You are now bear crawling everywhere instead of just regular crawling, it's so cute. You make new faces now, the cutest is when you squinch up your nose and push your lips out and blow.
2nd week... on Sunday Aug 14th you finally have a tooth!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing when I glanced in that little mouth of yours. The tooth fairy does exist and she finally came to bless you with that little tooth. This tooth came in an unusual place on the top in the spot of a fang. You did not cry, run fever act irritable or anything that would have led me to believe you were getting a tooth. My tough little girl. Also about a month ago I noticed you have to weird skin flaps on the upper sides of your mouth. Doc says nothing to worry about unless it affects your speech or eating. Also you have stopped waving and saying bye bye. The only reason for this is because you are so stubborn. Took you back to the doctor again today for your rash, got more cream. You weighed 19lbs.
3rd Week
The Saturday of the third week we took you to the coast for the first time. 5 hours into our trip with you crying bloody murder I realized you had more teeth coming in. You had one on the top and the two bottom ones trying to come through. Well by the end of the trip one bottom one in the middle had came through. You loved the beach and the aquarium. You ate sand and were fearless of the water. You kept trying to crawl further and further out. On the trip you said Hi Daddy, Big Fish and drink for the first time! I was so proud.
4th Week
One more tooth at the top other side fang.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Month 9
9 month check up you weighed 18lbs even and were 27 inches long. You are still in the 25 percentile for weight, but have moved up to the 50th percentile for heigth. You got one shot and didn't cry very long, but afterwards when you saw the nurse you gave her a dirty look.
Your such a pincher and it really hurts. You get me on the back of my arms. Know what no means but don't alwasy listen to it.
You can wave and say bye bye but only when you want to. Pulling up on everything. Love you so much!
Things this month I've realize I already miss, having to help you hold your head even though you were always pretty good at it. Burping you. You not being able to turn over or crawl.
Still not very much hair and no teeth.
Funny things this month, you refused to go to sleep at daycare so you slept sitting up. You would sway back and forth and slump over some but you would sit right back up sleeping the whole time. I took you over to see your cousins for a bit and while Mackenzie was holding you she said, "I'll give Daphne some hair." She then pulled hair out of her head and put it on yours.
Wow this month flew by I looked today 8/3/11 and realized you are not 9 months anymore you are 10.....
Your such a pincher and it really hurts. You get me on the back of my arms. Know what no means but don't alwasy listen to it.
You can wave and say bye bye but only when you want to. Pulling up on everything. Love you so much!
Things this month I've realize I already miss, having to help you hold your head even though you were always pretty good at it. Burping you. You not being able to turn over or crawl.
Still not very much hair and no teeth.
Funny things this month, you refused to go to sleep at daycare so you slept sitting up. You would sway back and forth and slump over some but you would sit right back up sleeping the whole time. I took you over to see your cousins for a bit and while Mackenzie was holding you she said, "I'll give Daphne some hair." She then pulled hair out of her head and put it on yours.
Wow this month flew by I looked today 8/3/11 and realized you are not 9 months anymore you are 10.....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
8 Months
Week 1
Still no teeth and very little hair. You are not crawling yet but you are scooting. You can hold on to stuff and stand up by yourself. You shake your head side to side and flail your arms and legs, when you don't want to go to sleep. Your doing it playfully not mean. It's cute. I always say no night night Daphne when you do it.
Week 2
You are crawling!!!!! I am so happy you are moving on your own and going wherever you want to. You also take steps when I hold your hands. Soon you will be walking. Finally going to stage 3 diapers this week!
Week 3
You are really moving now, not a slow crawl like last week but really going now. Also you can stand by yourself for about half a second. You learned how to clap your hands. You are still stubborn as a donkey. You cry when I leave the room, or is someone else is holding you while I'm there. Not a real cry, just a hey I want my mommy. Aww it's selfish but I love it. You had your first little fit today, it was cute but I'm sure the more to come wont me. You wanted my necklace and to go crawl around rather then eat breakfast. So you reared back kicked and yelled lol.
Week 4
You now play the throw it down for me to pick it up game. You gave me my first real scare and I took you to the emergency room. Turns out it was strep throat. Your yeast infection is back and at the worst it's ever been, it has made blisters on your little rear.
Still no teeth and very little hair. You are not crawling yet but you are scooting. You can hold on to stuff and stand up by yourself. You shake your head side to side and flail your arms and legs, when you don't want to go to sleep. Your doing it playfully not mean. It's cute. I always say no night night Daphne when you do it.
Week 2
You are crawling!!!!! I am so happy you are moving on your own and going wherever you want to. You also take steps when I hold your hands. Soon you will be walking. Finally going to stage 3 diapers this week!
Week 3
You are really moving now, not a slow crawl like last week but really going now. Also you can stand by yourself for about half a second. You learned how to clap your hands. You are still stubborn as a donkey. You cry when I leave the room, or is someone else is holding you while I'm there. Not a real cry, just a hey I want my mommy. Aww it's selfish but I love it. You had your first little fit today, it was cute but I'm sure the more to come wont me. You wanted my necklace and to go crawl around rather then eat breakfast. So you reared back kicked and yelled lol.
Week 4
You now play the throw it down for me to pick it up game. You gave me my first real scare and I took you to the emergency room. Turns out it was strep throat. Your yeast infection is back and at the worst it's ever been, it has made blisters on your little rear.
Monday, May 16, 2011
7 Months
Daphne mommy is getting really bad about writing this to you, I will now post monthly rather than weekly. Mommy is so busy, I am working two jobs right now and still trying to get everything done at the house too.
You have figured out that you can use you feet to move stuff, it's cute but you knock alot down. You are almost crawling, you get on all fours and rock. You can sit up by yourself for a long time now.
Week two of your seven month was a bit hard on ya. First you scratched your eye at daycare and it left an open sore. The next day a little girl supposedly fell into you and bit your head and their was a complete lower set of teeth marks on your head and as of the last week of this month the little sore on your head from the teeth is still there. Saturday of that week daddy was keeping you all day because mommy had to work at the ranch and he let you get your first major owie. He left you in your infant carrier on top of the bar not strapped in and walked to the bedroom. Needless to say you wiggled and fell out backwards upside down with the full force on your head. You had a huge goose egg on your head with dark brusing. This is the last week of the 7 month and the brusing is still there with a bit of a bump.
Week 3 of this month I had to take you back to the doctor b/c your yeast infection wont go away. They gave us some more cream and an antibiotic. You weighed 17lbs with your clothes on. You are so smart I love you more and more with every minute. At night I have to stop myself from picking you up and carrying you to bed with me. I want to be close to you but dont want to get you use to not sleeping by yourself.
Crackers is your favorite thing to eat right now, I think that is all you would eat if I let you. You are starting to use a sippy cup right now but like to chew on it more than anything.
You have figured out that you can use you feet to move stuff, it's cute but you knock alot down. You are almost crawling, you get on all fours and rock. You can sit up by yourself for a long time now.
Week two of your seven month was a bit hard on ya. First you scratched your eye at daycare and it left an open sore. The next day a little girl supposedly fell into you and bit your head and their was a complete lower set of teeth marks on your head and as of the last week of this month the little sore on your head from the teeth is still there. Saturday of that week daddy was keeping you all day because mommy had to work at the ranch and he let you get your first major owie. He left you in your infant carrier on top of the bar not strapped in and walked to the bedroom. Needless to say you wiggled and fell out backwards upside down with the full force on your head. You had a huge goose egg on your head with dark brusing. This is the last week of the 7 month and the brusing is still there with a bit of a bump.
Week 3 of this month I had to take you back to the doctor b/c your yeast infection wont go away. They gave us some more cream and an antibiotic. You weighed 17lbs with your clothes on. You are so smart I love you more and more with every minute. At night I have to stop myself from picking you up and carrying you to bed with me. I want to be close to you but dont want to get you use to not sleeping by yourself.
Crackers is your favorite thing to eat right now, I think that is all you would eat if I let you. You are starting to use a sippy cup right now but like to chew on it more than anything.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Things I want for you
Last night you slept with me because I don't get to spend near enough time with you. As you slept I watched you smile, it made me smile and I couldn't help but think about all the things I want you to become. I hope you will be elegant and loyal, get dirty and be wild. I hope you can out work the boys and out shine the girls all at the same time. I want you to be honest and trustworthy but still bend and maybe break the rules at time. I want you to treat everyone with respect and not judge others. I want you to be fun loving and humorous.
I hope you are strong in so many ways, not only physically but emotionally and mentally too. Don't rely on others, but be able to accept help when needed. Do what makes you happy don't live to make others happy, but always be considerate. Laugh when you want and cry when you need to. Speak your mind when it's appropriate and hold your tongue when necessary. Your heart will be broken, your feelings will get hurt, people will treat you badly, don't let these things define you or make you bitter. Never forget these moments either, these are the moments that will strengthen you.
Truly learn from every mistake you make and try not to make them twice but know if you do it's ok. What's good for one person might not be good for you. It's okay to be a follower sometimes but when it's your turn to lead do it with all you have. Don't live in regrets and always look forward to tomorrow. Laugh at yourself. Remember to stop and relax now and then, fast isn't always the best speed.
Love is powerful it can make or break you, ease into it with caution. Learn to forgive whole heatedly, I would say but don't forget, but I don't think you can truly forgive unless your forget. Appreciate and acknowledge the people who love you. Be kind to everyone, kindness will get you a long way.
Surround yourself with good friends that will always be there for you. Be a good friend. Be giving without be taken advantage of. Sing and be goofy even when people are looking.
Trust in your decisions, fight for what you believe in, and admit when your wrong.
I hope you are strong in so many ways, not only physically but emotionally and mentally too. Don't rely on others, but be able to accept help when needed. Do what makes you happy don't live to make others happy, but always be considerate. Laugh when you want and cry when you need to. Speak your mind when it's appropriate and hold your tongue when necessary. Your heart will be broken, your feelings will get hurt, people will treat you badly, don't let these things define you or make you bitter. Never forget these moments either, these are the moments that will strengthen you.
Truly learn from every mistake you make and try not to make them twice but know if you do it's ok. What's good for one person might not be good for you. It's okay to be a follower sometimes but when it's your turn to lead do it with all you have. Don't live in regrets and always look forward to tomorrow. Laugh at yourself. Remember to stop and relax now and then, fast isn't always the best speed.
Love is powerful it can make or break you, ease into it with caution. Learn to forgive whole heatedly, I would say but don't forget, but I don't think you can truly forgive unless your forget. Appreciate and acknowledge the people who love you. Be kind to everyone, kindness will get you a long way.
Surround yourself with good friends that will always be there for you. Be a good friend. Be giving without be taken advantage of. Sing and be goofy even when people are looking.
Trust in your decisions, fight for what you believe in, and admit when your wrong.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
6 Months
Week 24
Daphne you said Da Da on Monday night. Your daddy and I were beaming it had to be one of the best moments of my life. I'm sure there are more of these to come but oh I was so proud. Yes I know you were just babbling but it is definitely the beginning. You went to the doctor on Thursday for you 6month check up. You weighed 14lbs 14oz and were 25in tall. You are a little bitty thing, you are still in the 25 percentile for heigth and weigth. You had to get two shots and still today on Friday your little leg is very sore and you cry when it is accidentally touched.
Week 25
Daphne this week you are getting to come to work with momma everyday, you were also here last Thursday and Friday. It is so nice having you here, but it also makes me see how much I've missed out on. Just looking at you behind me right now trying to crawl makes me sad thinking that your infant stage is over with and I can never get it back. Take your life day to day and give all you have on that day and don't worry about what is to come. Enjoy each moment for what it is not what it could be. You are so close to crawling it should just be a week or two and you will have it down. Still no teeth yet. I am going to have to put mittens on your hands if you don't keep that thumb out of your mouth.
Week 26
You got your first sippy cup but you more chew on the nipple then anything else, I think you are trying to use it as a binky. When you hold your own bottle to drink you sly stick ur thumb in your mouth at the same time thinking I don't know what your doing. Still no hair, but you love to pull everyone elses, I just keep telling you that one day you will have your own. Daddy had surgery this week to have his gallbladder removed he is improving everyday.
Week 27
You are almost 7months old and you still wear some of your 0-3mths onesises. You are not crawling, but do move backwards kinda just pushing yourself. You also do push ups where you get on your hands and tippy toes, you can hold yourself up for a long time. Working on using the sippy cup this week.
Daphne you said Da Da on Monday night. Your daddy and I were beaming it had to be one of the best moments of my life. I'm sure there are more of these to come but oh I was so proud. Yes I know you were just babbling but it is definitely the beginning. You went to the doctor on Thursday for you 6month check up. You weighed 14lbs 14oz and were 25in tall. You are a little bitty thing, you are still in the 25 percentile for heigth and weigth. You had to get two shots and still today on Friday your little leg is very sore and you cry when it is accidentally touched.
Week 25
Daphne this week you are getting to come to work with momma everyday, you were also here last Thursday and Friday. It is so nice having you here, but it also makes me see how much I've missed out on. Just looking at you behind me right now trying to crawl makes me sad thinking that your infant stage is over with and I can never get it back. Take your life day to day and give all you have on that day and don't worry about what is to come. Enjoy each moment for what it is not what it could be. You are so close to crawling it should just be a week or two and you will have it down. Still no teeth yet. I am going to have to put mittens on your hands if you don't keep that thumb out of your mouth.
Week 26
You got your first sippy cup but you more chew on the nipple then anything else, I think you are trying to use it as a binky. When you hold your own bottle to drink you sly stick ur thumb in your mouth at the same time thinking I don't know what your doing. Still no hair, but you love to pull everyone elses, I just keep telling you that one day you will have your own. Daddy had surgery this week to have his gallbladder removed he is improving everyday.
Week 27
You are almost 7months old and you still wear some of your 0-3mths onesises. You are not crawling, but do move backwards kinda just pushing yourself. You also do push ups where you get on your hands and tippy toes, you can hold yourself up for a long time. Working on using the sippy cup this week.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Five Months
Week 20
Well Daph you are 5 months old now and starting to have an attitude, but I love it. You can roll over but only do so on your terms and only if you want to. Last night which was the day you turned 5 months was the first time I put you to bed without swaddling you. You slept ok and I think you liked being able to move around, but it makes me sad that you don't need to be swaddled to sleep anymore. This morning I mixed your cereal with juice instead of formula and you loved it. You were actually smacking your lips and looking for more, rather than trying to spit it out. Last night I bawled, I miss you so much. I don't get near enough time with you, you are too good of a sleeper. About 45min in the morning and an hour to an hour an a half at night, which most of that time is spent feeding and bathing you, just isn't enough time. I don't know if you know I'm your mommy, I think right now you are closer to Judy then you are to me.
Week 21
Starting this week you have finally moved up to size 2 diapers! On Sunday I actually got you in a small laughing fit. I would nuzzle on your cheek and you would laugh, then I would do the other side. It was so cute, I don't know who was laughing more, you or me. Daddy has been sick and he had to go to the ER last night which meant you had to stay longer at daycare. It killed me leaving you there, but I had to make sure daddy was ok. Every minute after 5 'o clock seemed like an eternity I wanted/needed to be with daddy but I missed you so much. It was the longest I have ever been apart from you, I didn't get to pick you up until after 9pm. When I got you home I let you sleep in the bed with me because I missed you so much. I woke up to you giggling in your sleep, it was the sweetest thing, I guess you were having a good dream. If I brace you you can stand up on your own, you are super strong. The last couple of days you have been sucking your bottom lip rather then your thumb.
Week 22
Wow Daph it doesn't seem like 5.5 months since you were born but it has been. You can now roll from your back to your belly whenever you want to. You also really want to eat now. You are aggressive over each bite and want to eat when you see us eating. I am learning so much from you, you make me a happier person. It warms my heart when you see me and smile. I have decided to smile at everyone I see from now on in hopes of brightening their day a bit just like you do mine. You are halway reaching for people now when they want to hold you.
Week 23
Daph I have cut you off from juice lol. You have not been wanting to eat jar food and I think it is because it is not sweet, so now your cereal is made without juice so it's not sweet either. You kinda don't like the cereal as much anymore but you will get use to it. Monday of this week I have begun to wean you off the binky. The first night you threw a big fit and I gave it you you for a minute, but night two you went to sleep with out it! Oh man this was a trying week but we are through it and we have left that binky in the dust! You cried for the first couple of days but each day got a little easier. Also stopped swaddling you this week and you are still sleeping soundly. You are so beautiful Daphne and really starting to grow. It won't be long and you will be crawling, you are getting so close.
Well Daph you are 5 months old now and starting to have an attitude, but I love it. You can roll over but only do so on your terms and only if you want to. Last night which was the day you turned 5 months was the first time I put you to bed without swaddling you. You slept ok and I think you liked being able to move around, but it makes me sad that you don't need to be swaddled to sleep anymore. This morning I mixed your cereal with juice instead of formula and you loved it. You were actually smacking your lips and looking for more, rather than trying to spit it out. Last night I bawled, I miss you so much. I don't get near enough time with you, you are too good of a sleeper. About 45min in the morning and an hour to an hour an a half at night, which most of that time is spent feeding and bathing you, just isn't enough time. I don't know if you know I'm your mommy, I think right now you are closer to Judy then you are to me.
Week 21
Starting this week you have finally moved up to size 2 diapers! On Sunday I actually got you in a small laughing fit. I would nuzzle on your cheek and you would laugh, then I would do the other side. It was so cute, I don't know who was laughing more, you or me. Daddy has been sick and he had to go to the ER last night which meant you had to stay longer at daycare. It killed me leaving you there, but I had to make sure daddy was ok. Every minute after 5 'o clock seemed like an eternity I wanted/needed to be with daddy but I missed you so much. It was the longest I have ever been apart from you, I didn't get to pick you up until after 9pm. When I got you home I let you sleep in the bed with me because I missed you so much. I woke up to you giggling in your sleep, it was the sweetest thing, I guess you were having a good dream. If I brace you you can stand up on your own, you are super strong. The last couple of days you have been sucking your bottom lip rather then your thumb.
Week 22
Wow Daph it doesn't seem like 5.5 months since you were born but it has been. You can now roll from your back to your belly whenever you want to. You also really want to eat now. You are aggressive over each bite and want to eat when you see us eating. I am learning so much from you, you make me a happier person. It warms my heart when you see me and smile. I have decided to smile at everyone I see from now on in hopes of brightening their day a bit just like you do mine. You are halway reaching for people now when they want to hold you.
Week 23
Daph I have cut you off from juice lol. You have not been wanting to eat jar food and I think it is because it is not sweet, so now your cereal is made without juice so it's not sweet either. You kinda don't like the cereal as much anymore but you will get use to it. Monday of this week I have begun to wean you off the binky. The first night you threw a big fit and I gave it you you for a minute, but night two you went to sleep with out it! Oh man this was a trying week but we are through it and we have left that binky in the dust! You cried for the first couple of days but each day got a little easier. Also stopped swaddling you this week and you are still sleeping soundly. You are so beautiful Daphne and really starting to grow. It won't be long and you will be crawling, you are getting so close.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Teaching/Learning
Daphne I want you to grow up to be a strong, determined, fierce, kind woman and my biggest fear as a mom is figuring out how to teach you all of these things. I want you to be respectful, independent and outgoing. How do I teach you all of these things when I'm not sure if I am any of them?
Ewww, I know that is something I can not do, I can not doubt myself in front of you, I can not point out my flaws and express my insecurities because I don't want you to learn any of those things. Not that I don't want you to know theses things about me or for you to think I'm perferct but I want you to not be insecure with who you are. You are beautiful and perfect now and always will be. I thought to myself this morning that I'm a sinner and I need to make some wrong things right and then I realized that you are totally pefect and innocent, you have yet to commit a sin. Do I think you will always be sin free? No, but in my eyes you will always be perfect and innocent.
I want you to be able to come to me when you have fallen or done something wrong. Wether it be you skinned your knee or told a lie or something more drastic like your heart has been broken by your first crush or you've tried alcohol, I want us to have an open relationship and for you to know there is nothing you could ever do for me to not love you.
Your 4 months old right now Daphne and there is so much fun stuff, laughter, trials and tribulations that we haven't begun to experience, but I welcome all of them with open arms. I wait for the day when you are hurt or upset and the only person in the world that can make it better is me. Not that I ever want you to be hurt or upset but being realistic I know those times will come and consoling you is something I look forward to.
You are this wonderful little person that I get to shape and mold and I hope I can raise you right!
Ewww, I know that is something I can not do, I can not doubt myself in front of you, I can not point out my flaws and express my insecurities because I don't want you to learn any of those things. Not that I don't want you to know theses things about me or for you to think I'm perferct but I want you to not be insecure with who you are. You are beautiful and perfect now and always will be. I thought to myself this morning that I'm a sinner and I need to make some wrong things right and then I realized that you are totally pefect and innocent, you have yet to commit a sin. Do I think you will always be sin free? No, but in my eyes you will always be perfect and innocent.
I want you to be able to come to me when you have fallen or done something wrong. Wether it be you skinned your knee or told a lie or something more drastic like your heart has been broken by your first crush or you've tried alcohol, I want us to have an open relationship and for you to know there is nothing you could ever do for me to not love you.
Your 4 months old right now Daphne and there is so much fun stuff, laughter, trials and tribulations that we haven't begun to experience, but I welcome all of them with open arms. I wait for the day when you are hurt or upset and the only person in the world that can make it better is me. Not that I ever want you to be hurt or upset but being realistic I know those times will come and consoling you is something I look forward to.
You are this wonderful little person that I get to shape and mold and I hope I can raise you right!
Monday, February 14, 2011
4 months
Well today is Valentine's Day and your 4 month birth date. I can't believe that you are already 1/3 of a year old, wow has time flown by. Over the weekend you were very cranky and at the end of the day after daddy mentioned it, it finally dawned on me that you might be teething. You have been in alligator mode again and drooling alot, with little outburst of crying with real tears,something you never do.
I love that you are so at ease when I hand you over to Judy in the mornings but it makes me so sad how loving you are to her. I can't wait for you to get old enough to know that I'm your mom, well more like you get old enough so that I know that you know that I'm your mom. It makes me sad watching you with her and makes me want to cry right now thinking of it.
So Tuesday was a very hard day for me, I missed you so much. Every time I would think of you I would nearly cry. Also Tuesday was your four month check up with the doctor. You did so good with your shots, you hardly cried and were totally finished before the nurse even left the room. You weighed 11lbs 11oz and are in the 50 percentile for heigth and 25 percentile for weight and head circumference. You are going to be my tall skinny girl.
Wednesday morning you actually ate some of your cereal rather than just spitting it all out and crying. Way to go baby girl!
I think I could list a million different things that have gone wrong or made me mad this week but when I try to think positive and think about the good things my mind immediately goes to you. I think of your pretty little smile this week, the way you have clung to my shoulder and the cute goos and gaas you only do for your dad.
Week 17
You are eating your cereal a little better each morning.
You are becoming more vocal even though in only sounds like yelling, but I'll take whatever I can get.
You have tried to start sucking your thumb again, I pull it out of your mouth and tell you we don't do that and you smile like you know what you are doing.
Daddy is out of town this week working so it has just been you and I and dang Roscoe.
You still hate being on your tummy and cry every time I make you get on it.
Bath time is good now and you are ok with lotion time also.
Everything goes in your mouth and you are trying so hard to chew on your toes, you just haven't yet got them all the way to your mouth.
Today is February 24th, one year ago today is when we found out about you. Just thinking of it puts a smile on my face and makes me reflect about all the changes that have happened so quick. You have made me such a stronger person and I am so greatful for that.
So tonight you and I are going to see daddy for the weekend, ready to see him but not looking forward to the three hour car ride. I feel bad that you will be in your carseat that long but hopefully you will sleep the whole time. Saturday while visiting daddy you rolled from your belly to your back, yippee. You only did it once though.
Week 18
Well this week has been kinda hard. My beloved Roscoe bit someone yesterday and I had to have him put down. The decision is still killing me but I wanted to be sure he never bite anyone again and especially not you.
This week you have finally mastered getting your toes all the way in your mouth. I think it is so cute but it drives your dad nuts. He keeps telling you to suck on anything else but not your toes he thinks its gross.
Week 19
This whole month and a bit of month 3 you have been trying to hold your bottle. You can now do it for a few seconds at a time and if you drop it I give it back to you and you hold onto it again.
Daddy hates when you put your feet in your mouth. I think it is so cute but he gets grossed out and immediately pulls your foot from your mouth. You are finally starting to get a little bit of hair! I think it is going to be light brown. You have almost grown out of your first pair of shoes. :(
Update on Roscoe, doc saved him! He is in quarantine now and will be adopted out. I don't know if it is easier or harder knowing that he is alive but I still can't have him.
Baby girl, you are so beautiful, the whole world loves you. You have turned my 10min shopping trips into 30+ minutes b/c I have to stop and let everyone admire you, but it's ok you like the attention.
I love that you are so at ease when I hand you over to Judy in the mornings but it makes me so sad how loving you are to her. I can't wait for you to get old enough to know that I'm your mom, well more like you get old enough so that I know that you know that I'm your mom. It makes me sad watching you with her and makes me want to cry right now thinking of it.
So Tuesday was a very hard day for me, I missed you so much. Every time I would think of you I would nearly cry. Also Tuesday was your four month check up with the doctor. You did so good with your shots, you hardly cried and were totally finished before the nurse even left the room. You weighed 11lbs 11oz and are in the 50 percentile for heigth and 25 percentile for weight and head circumference. You are going to be my tall skinny girl.
Wednesday morning you actually ate some of your cereal rather than just spitting it all out and crying. Way to go baby girl!
I think I could list a million different things that have gone wrong or made me mad this week but when I try to think positive and think about the good things my mind immediately goes to you. I think of your pretty little smile this week, the way you have clung to my shoulder and the cute goos and gaas you only do for your dad.
Week 17
You are eating your cereal a little better each morning.
You are becoming more vocal even though in only sounds like yelling, but I'll take whatever I can get.
You have tried to start sucking your thumb again, I pull it out of your mouth and tell you we don't do that and you smile like you know what you are doing.
Daddy is out of town this week working so it has just been you and I and dang Roscoe.
You still hate being on your tummy and cry every time I make you get on it.
Bath time is good now and you are ok with lotion time also.
Everything goes in your mouth and you are trying so hard to chew on your toes, you just haven't yet got them all the way to your mouth.
Today is February 24th, one year ago today is when we found out about you. Just thinking of it puts a smile on my face and makes me reflect about all the changes that have happened so quick. You have made me such a stronger person and I am so greatful for that.
So tonight you and I are going to see daddy for the weekend, ready to see him but not looking forward to the three hour car ride. I feel bad that you will be in your carseat that long but hopefully you will sleep the whole time. Saturday while visiting daddy you rolled from your belly to your back, yippee. You only did it once though.
Week 18
Well this week has been kinda hard. My beloved Roscoe bit someone yesterday and I had to have him put down. The decision is still killing me but I wanted to be sure he never bite anyone again and especially not you.
This week you have finally mastered getting your toes all the way in your mouth. I think it is so cute but it drives your dad nuts. He keeps telling you to suck on anything else but not your toes he thinks its gross.
Week 19
This whole month and a bit of month 3 you have been trying to hold your bottle. You can now do it for a few seconds at a time and if you drop it I give it back to you and you hold onto it again.
Daddy hates when you put your feet in your mouth. I think it is so cute but he gets grossed out and immediately pulls your foot from your mouth. You are finally starting to get a little bit of hair! I think it is going to be light brown. You have almost grown out of your first pair of shoes. :(
Update on Roscoe, doc saved him! He is in quarantine now and will be adopted out. I don't know if it is easier or harder knowing that he is alive but I still can't have him.
Baby girl, you are so beautiful, the whole world loves you. You have turned my 10min shopping trips into 30+ minutes b/c I have to stop and let everyone admire you, but it's ok you like the attention.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Week 15
Your definitely my opinionated stubborn beautiful little girl. You are really starting to come into your own personality and it is a wonderful thing to watch. You are like me you want things your way and you know how to get them, I know you will grow up to be a very strong woman.
I found you crying on your belly Thursday morning, so I know you still know how to roll over, it's just you being stubborn and not wanting to do it.
I found you crying on your belly Thursday morning, so I know you still know how to roll over, it's just you being stubborn and not wanting to do it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Feelings
1/31/11
Today my head is a jumbled mess. I know what I should do, but that and what I want to do are two completely different things. Why is doing what is right never the fun thing to do? I've got myself in this mess and I know how to get out of it, but I don't want to. I know until I end things my mind is going to be messed up but I just don't want to do it yet. I swear it is good that I never tried drugs, because I really think I would have become an addict. I get so addicted and fixated on one thing and I can't get it off my mind. Before it was dieting, and all the food I wanted to eat, it's also been how to get rid of skunks, there forever it was my pregnancy and comparing it to everyone elses and at one time it was Daphne and now it is EB. Wow just putting that in righting makes me even crazier. This wasn't suppose to be about emotions, and in a way it still isn't but in a way it is. I hate that even as I am writing this, trying to move on I have to stop to check my dang e-mail hoping there is something there, disappointed when there is not and relived that maybe it is over.
Urghh how and why did I ever let it get to this and how and why did I lose my fixation on my daughter? I still love her more than anything I just don't think of her constantly. Oh that makes me sad writing that, but maybe putting it out here will make me change my ways. I also want to put down(maybe in a way to justify it to myself) but I had to stop thinking of her when I came back to work, it was the only way to get through the day. I missed her too much and it was too hard to think about her and not be with her. It's bittersweet, when I'm at work I get to just be Kim again, not Mom. I never wanted to be a mom, just didn't think that it was in my cards, but I guess God called my bluff and knew this is what was meant to be.
In a way being a mom you lose yourself, but yet you are gaining this wonderful new life. Losing my independence and solidarity has been the hardest, I think it is the reason I'm looking for something new, but I wasn't looking for anything until it came to me and I went with it. I love my little girl, but I love the person I was before and I have yet to figure out how to make them one in the same.
Before I got pregnant was the first time in my life that I actually felt hot and good about myself. I had worked hard to lose 78lbs and built up my confidence. Getting pregnant took all of that away. Now my self confidence is probably at an all time low and I cant get it through my head that I am fine just the way I am. I only see the imperfections and flaws not my attributes. When will I grow up and not worry if someone finds me hot or not when will I really see what is important in life and stop being so vain?
The first three or four years in my marriage I completely lost who I was before and became content just being a wife. Now how I regret wasting that time and missing out on being young wild and free. I want that time back but I know that ship has sailed. Chris never liked for me to go out, so instead of fighting with him I just stayed home, but now I feel like the fight is worth my happiness. Do I really want to go out that much or is it the fact that my best friend is getting a divorce and she has her freedom back? Is it because of this new thing that has come in my life making me find an excuse to go out? Is it because I have a baby now and I should be staying home and I'm rebelling against that? If I don't know what I truly want or feel how am I ever going to get past this. Most of the time people say my heart feels one way and my head another, but this is all in my head. The only emotions I feel are for my daughter. As far as anyone else goes, including my husband I really feel nothing.
He has hurt me so much lately that I kinda feel dead inside. I feel like I just want to be out on my own, just me and Daphne sink or swim. Maybe all of this is just a way to get back at him, to make him realize how much he hurt me. To let him know that I'm not gonna be used anymore and I'm not his door mat. I don't know if I really want this or if I just like feeling wanted. I don't feel like I pursued any of this and know I didn't have any of these intentions when it started, but now what am I trying to get out of it?
I fear after this weekend, that I have let emotions get into this and for that reason, along with about a million others, I feel this has to end. Saying that is so much easier than doing it. I should talk to him about this but then it just makes it more real and gets me more involved when I should be stepping back. I think the best thing for me right now is to start a new project, get something to keep my mind busy.
Ok so it's been a few days since I started writing this and I think it is over or at least coming to an end. Was it worth it, no. Will I do it again I sure as hell hope not, but I'm an idiot so who knows. It's a peaceful feeling that I think its over, but also pisses me off that I really wasn't the one who ended it. My heart kinda hurts a bit but more I think it is my pride............ I don't even really know whats going on. I tell you one thing having an open relationship where you can talk about anything without repercussion is really nice and not having it sucks.
Ok so maybe it's not over, but I have the upper hand now. I'm not going to be used or taken advantage of, I've let that happen far too many times and this will not be one of them. You know maybe I think too much into this and now I'm priddy sure emotions are involved, but I'm drawing back, I'm not going to have feelings. "I'm a little bit stronger now"
I hate these feelings, I hate that I let myself get attached. I hope that I'm strong enough to still stay away and not go back. I hate this why am I so retarded, do I know what all I will be throwing away. Is a little bit of fun right now worth the last 7 years. Ok so the e-mail is here, the moment of truth what to do what to do? Oh man this really sucks, I really want to e-mail him back now, my head says no make him wait like your not interested deep down my heart says end it Chris is your husband. Why is my mind stronger than my heart right now?
Ok so this is just going to be one continually long blog that I probably never publish, but hope I do finish one day. I'm now to the pissed off point, which is good b/c that means I will be able to end it sooner and on my terms. I don't like to be jacked around or used or forgotten and maybe I'm not but I feel that way and I hate it.
Well last night I said I quit, it was the last words I said. Half of me really wants it to be over with and the other half is hoping he comes begging me back. I feel more at ease with everything now then I have in a long time though. Really it doesn't matter one way or another, either way I will still see him nearly daily and we will be friends.
My mind set is finally changing back to normal. I'm focusing on getting in shape again and starting to leave other things alone.
Ok so previous to this paragraph everything was written late January early February. It is now late March and although I am stronger now I still am just as confused and aggravated as what to do with this situation. I want more then there can and ever will be. I need to quit, but for whatever reason I can't make myself do it. This situation has consumed me, I wish he would leave the ranch, be gone and I could move on. I really should have thought this through better, hell I really should have thought of the consequences and never have done anything. It's not so much the physical act of getting caught, as it is the emotional baggage it has with it. Even not being caught my head is in a whirlwind of emotions. One minute I think ok I'm done with this, the next I'm longing for it. My head hurts, my heart hurts, I just want to run away, run away and be done with it. Pack Daph a bag and drive, drive until I don't think anymore.
Is there any way to turn your brain off, to stop thinking altogether? I don't know what I want anymore, not only in this situation but for the rest of my life. Is being content good enough? I want so much more then I have, to do so much more then I've done, or am doing.
I haven't talked to him all week, as long as it stays this way I think I can get through it. I want him to e-mail me but I need him not to, only time will tell.
I think it is just time to talk, this not knowing shit is pissing me off. I think I could deal with things better if it was one way or another, not this inbetween, mabye crap. I don't want to be the one to break the silence but I have to know. I don't even know what the fuck happened why there is silence?
Maybe I should move all this to my blog that is entitled "stupid, stupid," because that is what this all is. Why do I want what I don't need? Why do I want what will and has hurt me? Why can't I let it go? I want to but I can't. I've prayed to, but I'm still pushing for it. I hate this feeling, I wish I never would have done any of this that way I wouldn't know what I know and wouldn't care and wouldn't want any of it. Why are guys such douche bags why can't they just say it's over instead of just avoiding you. It's priddy chicken shit actually. I could talk to him and tell him off, but I don't want to be a Bitch and I don't want to mess up my chances, even though I don't need to want this anymore. Sometimes I think writing this down helps, but really it just makes me think of it more and crave it more. Maybe if there wasn't indirect contact between us at least 5 out of the 7 days a week I could really get over this, but unti then I really don't know how, when or if I can.
I've made some bad decisions things I can't change, things I can't take back, things I wish I hadn't done. Now I've got to figure out how to get through them, how to move on and really be done. I compare my feelings here to wining the lottery. Really you know your not going to win, but before you check your numbers you imagine all the wonderful things you will do with all of your money and all the possibilities in store for you. Then just like that you lose and its all gone, but next week you are back for more, with new dreams and hopes and again a let down......
Why is it that just when you think you've got it all figured out everything changes and your back to where you started? I'm so sick of this crap.
Wow it is now early May, I understand alot more now but still not much has changed. I like to think I've gotten a little smarter maybe a little stronger, but I'm still stupid for being in this situation in the first place. The emotion is almost gone, but the longing and hoping is still there. I don't think it's him as much as it is the change I want and need in my life right now. I'm longing for so much more then I have. I really just want things to be the way they were before any of this started.
May 11 2011
So you asked me the other night what I was thinking.... Well the truth is I was thinking I like you but I'm not suppose to. I was thinking this is just suppose to be about sex and that's all it is for you so I need to keep it that way too. I'll probably regret sending this two seconds after I do it but at least I wont be thinking about saying it ne more..........
Well it is now early June, and nope I don't regret saying the above. It is probably the smartest thing I've done in this whole mess of a situation. I couldn't believe what I was reading when he told me he felt the same way too! I guess things are as good as they can get in this messed up situation. I mean I know now and I'm not really stressing over it so much anymore and I'm happy, but...... Now I want more, more then I have, more then there can be, probably more then he wants. Sometimes I wonder if it's really him or the freedom and change that he represents.
I chase it and long for it until I get it then it's like ok I got it now what, do I really want it or do I just want him to want me? I should have sewed my wild oats before settling down, I should have experienced more then I did. Now what, how can I do that, can I, have I waited too long, time is really runing out on that. Heck that ship has sailed but I'm desperately trying to change the wind direction and bring it back, at least for a bit just for a short ride. Deep down I know this will never become anything and later down the road it will just be a bitter sweet memory. He deserves and will get better then what I have to offer.
The reality of this situation makes me sad. I have become the wife I swore I wouldn't be, the one I talked shit about, the one I couldn't understand. I'm not proud of what I'm doing or who I am. I know I'm being selfish and I should stop, but it has ahold of me and I don't want to quit. I want change, I want liberation, most of all I just want help! Help from the man I married, the man who should support me emotionally, spirtually and physically. I feel that all the duties and responsibilties are on my shoulders. I shouldn't say feel I should say are, because honestly they are. I blame myself, but knowingly or not he has pushed me into this.
Today I feel like I am spending my time waiting, waiting for something that will never happen, something that will never become anything, something that wasn't meant to be. It's funny how this situation can make me mad, happy, sad and frustrated all in the same 5 min span. I hate having this feeling I just want to forget about him and move on get past all of this. Why do people have to be so mean why do they have to hurt other people and make them feel like this.
Five minutes is all I asked for, and you couldn't give it to me. I guess that answers my questions that I wanted to ask you in those five minutes.
6/14/11
Well I finally got my five minutes but I should have chose a better time, since we both had been drinking. Sometimes talking just makes things worse and more unclear when that is the exact opposite of what I wanted. I didn't know I could feel like this, I really didn't know your heart could literally hurt. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.
6/24/11
There comes a point when you are no longer mad, or hurt or anything your just done. I hope I can keep this feeling.
7/19/11
Day four today without him and it is definently the hardest so far..... It's been a little over a month since I messed things up.
8/8/11
Well day four was hard but I made it three weeks. Then sadly in a week moment in the middle of the night on Saturday I messaged him, I didn't ask for anything just said I still think of him. Well here came Sunday and he asked to meet up and like a dumbass I did. Today I'm peacefull with everything and don't want or expect anything but dammnit now I've got to get passed day four again!!!!!
8/16/11
First time in a long time that I'm writing in this blog with no emotion. I'm not sad or mad or anything. Things are good, but that damn fourth day. He e-mailed on the fourth day again and I caved. Today is day three. Make it through today and tomorrow with no contact and it will be smooth sailing.
Later on 8/16/11.....
I'm never gonna make it past day four if he keeps contacting me. Now we are texting. I don't like him right now but if we keep this up I'm gonna be back in the bad situation I was in before.
9/19/11
Realizing it's hard loving someone who is never gonna love ya back.
It feels like you've took my world and shook it up, tossed it against the wall a few times and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out which way is up. It's hard to resist you when your the only thing I want.....
9/21/11
TONIGHT IM GETTING ANSWERS! Ha answers ya right not from him. I did tell him I loved him though. Do I? IDK I think I do at points but really I think I just want him because he doesn't want me.
10/19/11
Well I've been strong and haven't talked to him in a week. No fighting or anything really just too busy. I'm too busy tonight also but I want him so bad. I wish he felt the same.
10/26/11
Well once again he's changed. Not sure why or how but he has and I hate it. I wish he would tell me something either I'm done, I need some space or just don't want any right now. I told myself I would just not contact him let it go but I need closure. Urghh I really just need to let it go.
He's ignoring me today, how I love that. Today marks the start of a new year for Daphne, it's time I make up for lost time and let go of all this. Letting go is the hardest part for me.
11/1/11
Just when I think it's done and he can't be a bigger jerk, he totally throws me for a loop and is sweet and sincere and makes me fall back in love with him. We had a good night 10/30 it was one of the best nights in a long time, but one good night doesn't make up for all the misery I put myself through. I keep telling myself to forget about that and it's never alwasy gonna be like that so don't think it will. Luckily I'm getting back to my obsession with dieting and working out and even reading. So maybe just maybe I can let this go once and for all.
12/2/11
For the first time day four feels good. I'm finally letting go. It's been gone since June but I finally am letting go. I just want to get back to being friends only b/c I do miss that. Ahhh the light is shining at the end of this tunnel now I just have to stay on path and I really think I will this time, mainly b/c for the first time I really want to.
12/5/11
He called I said yes.
12/10/11
BUSTED. Chris found the FB messages, doesn't know everything but knows enough. What do I do now?
12/19/11
I want a divorce with every fiber of my body. I need to wait until after Christmas but I don't know if I can last. I know I hurt Chris so much, I wish he would just leave and let me go. Eric is a douche and doesn't give a shit b/c he doesn't have to deal with any of this but yet still wants sex. I gave it to him just b/c I needed a break from every thing at home. I know shit is going to hit the fan soon and I'm ready for all this to just be over.
12/27/11
What a bittersweet day. Chris moves into his new apartment today. I have so many feelings I really don't know what to think. Liberation is awesome but will I be lonely......
1/12/12
I haven't seen him (EB) in a couple weeks. And it's is fine. Yes I would still like to be with him in some fashion but if I never see him again it's ok. I guess I still want him b/c in a way I feel like it is part of the reason my marriage failed. But truly I know the marriage was over long before I started anything with him. I am glad tho that I'm not putting up with his shit any more and not needing him like I was. If he asks I will say yes but I'll never be the one to initiate it again or put myself
1/27/12
Finally a year later I have conquered this situation. I am back to being me, not that clingy whiny girl that is miserable. I don't need him to make me happy, and I realize that he really is a coward and jerk. I am so glad that I don't have to say yes anymore that I can if I want to but for the first time I blew him off and stayed with my friends and it was awesome. Also blew him off two other times after the first.
2/20/12
I'm done. Finally done with Eric, done with this blog and all the bullshit he caused me. I haven't spoke to him in 3 weeks but when he asked today I said no and told him he was a jerk. Thank you God for allowing me to finally be done with this and to be the one who ended it!!!!!
Today my head is a jumbled mess. I know what I should do, but that and what I want to do are two completely different things. Why is doing what is right never the fun thing to do? I've got myself in this mess and I know how to get out of it, but I don't want to. I know until I end things my mind is going to be messed up but I just don't want to do it yet. I swear it is good that I never tried drugs, because I really think I would have become an addict. I get so addicted and fixated on one thing and I can't get it off my mind. Before it was dieting, and all the food I wanted to eat, it's also been how to get rid of skunks, there forever it was my pregnancy and comparing it to everyone elses and at one time it was Daphne and now it is EB. Wow just putting that in righting makes me even crazier. This wasn't suppose to be about emotions, and in a way it still isn't but in a way it is. I hate that even as I am writing this, trying to move on I have to stop to check my dang e-mail hoping there is something there, disappointed when there is not and relived that maybe it is over.
Urghh how and why did I ever let it get to this and how and why did I lose my fixation on my daughter? I still love her more than anything I just don't think of her constantly. Oh that makes me sad writing that, but maybe putting it out here will make me change my ways. I also want to put down(maybe in a way to justify it to myself) but I had to stop thinking of her when I came back to work, it was the only way to get through the day. I missed her too much and it was too hard to think about her and not be with her. It's bittersweet, when I'm at work I get to just be Kim again, not Mom. I never wanted to be a mom, just didn't think that it was in my cards, but I guess God called my bluff and knew this is what was meant to be.
In a way being a mom you lose yourself, but yet you are gaining this wonderful new life. Losing my independence and solidarity has been the hardest, I think it is the reason I'm looking for something new, but I wasn't looking for anything until it came to me and I went with it. I love my little girl, but I love the person I was before and I have yet to figure out how to make them one in the same.
Before I got pregnant was the first time in my life that I actually felt hot and good about myself. I had worked hard to lose 78lbs and built up my confidence. Getting pregnant took all of that away. Now my self confidence is probably at an all time low and I cant get it through my head that I am fine just the way I am. I only see the imperfections and flaws not my attributes. When will I grow up and not worry if someone finds me hot or not when will I really see what is important in life and stop being so vain?
The first three or four years in my marriage I completely lost who I was before and became content just being a wife. Now how I regret wasting that time and missing out on being young wild and free. I want that time back but I know that ship has sailed. Chris never liked for me to go out, so instead of fighting with him I just stayed home, but now I feel like the fight is worth my happiness. Do I really want to go out that much or is it the fact that my best friend is getting a divorce and she has her freedom back? Is it because of this new thing that has come in my life making me find an excuse to go out? Is it because I have a baby now and I should be staying home and I'm rebelling against that? If I don't know what I truly want or feel how am I ever going to get past this. Most of the time people say my heart feels one way and my head another, but this is all in my head. The only emotions I feel are for my daughter. As far as anyone else goes, including my husband I really feel nothing.
He has hurt me so much lately that I kinda feel dead inside. I feel like I just want to be out on my own, just me and Daphne sink or swim. Maybe all of this is just a way to get back at him, to make him realize how much he hurt me. To let him know that I'm not gonna be used anymore and I'm not his door mat. I don't know if I really want this or if I just like feeling wanted. I don't feel like I pursued any of this and know I didn't have any of these intentions when it started, but now what am I trying to get out of it?
I fear after this weekend, that I have let emotions get into this and for that reason, along with about a million others, I feel this has to end. Saying that is so much easier than doing it. I should talk to him about this but then it just makes it more real and gets me more involved when I should be stepping back. I think the best thing for me right now is to start a new project, get something to keep my mind busy.
Ok so it's been a few days since I started writing this and I think it is over or at least coming to an end. Was it worth it, no. Will I do it again I sure as hell hope not, but I'm an idiot so who knows. It's a peaceful feeling that I think its over, but also pisses me off that I really wasn't the one who ended it. My heart kinda hurts a bit but more I think it is my pride............ I don't even really know whats going on. I tell you one thing having an open relationship where you can talk about anything without repercussion is really nice and not having it sucks.
Ok so maybe it's not over, but I have the upper hand now. I'm not going to be used or taken advantage of, I've let that happen far too many times and this will not be one of them. You know maybe I think too much into this and now I'm priddy sure emotions are involved, but I'm drawing back, I'm not going to have feelings. "I'm a little bit stronger now"
I hate these feelings, I hate that I let myself get attached. I hope that I'm strong enough to still stay away and not go back. I hate this why am I so retarded, do I know what all I will be throwing away. Is a little bit of fun right now worth the last 7 years. Ok so the e-mail is here, the moment of truth what to do what to do? Oh man this really sucks, I really want to e-mail him back now, my head says no make him wait like your not interested deep down my heart says end it Chris is your husband. Why is my mind stronger than my heart right now?
Ok so this is just going to be one continually long blog that I probably never publish, but hope I do finish one day. I'm now to the pissed off point, which is good b/c that means I will be able to end it sooner and on my terms. I don't like to be jacked around or used or forgotten and maybe I'm not but I feel that way and I hate it.
Well last night I said I quit, it was the last words I said. Half of me really wants it to be over with and the other half is hoping he comes begging me back. I feel more at ease with everything now then I have in a long time though. Really it doesn't matter one way or another, either way I will still see him nearly daily and we will be friends.
My mind set is finally changing back to normal. I'm focusing on getting in shape again and starting to leave other things alone.
Ok so previous to this paragraph everything was written late January early February. It is now late March and although I am stronger now I still am just as confused and aggravated as what to do with this situation. I want more then there can and ever will be. I need to quit, but for whatever reason I can't make myself do it. This situation has consumed me, I wish he would leave the ranch, be gone and I could move on. I really should have thought this through better, hell I really should have thought of the consequences and never have done anything. It's not so much the physical act of getting caught, as it is the emotional baggage it has with it. Even not being caught my head is in a whirlwind of emotions. One minute I think ok I'm done with this, the next I'm longing for it. My head hurts, my heart hurts, I just want to run away, run away and be done with it. Pack Daph a bag and drive, drive until I don't think anymore.
Is there any way to turn your brain off, to stop thinking altogether? I don't know what I want anymore, not only in this situation but for the rest of my life. Is being content good enough? I want so much more then I have, to do so much more then I've done, or am doing.
I haven't talked to him all week, as long as it stays this way I think I can get through it. I want him to e-mail me but I need him not to, only time will tell.
I think it is just time to talk, this not knowing shit is pissing me off. I think I could deal with things better if it was one way or another, not this inbetween, mabye crap. I don't want to be the one to break the silence but I have to know. I don't even know what the fuck happened why there is silence?
Maybe I should move all this to my blog that is entitled "stupid, stupid," because that is what this all is. Why do I want what I don't need? Why do I want what will and has hurt me? Why can't I let it go? I want to but I can't. I've prayed to, but I'm still pushing for it. I hate this feeling, I wish I never would have done any of this that way I wouldn't know what I know and wouldn't care and wouldn't want any of it. Why are guys such douche bags why can't they just say it's over instead of just avoiding you. It's priddy chicken shit actually. I could talk to him and tell him off, but I don't want to be a Bitch and I don't want to mess up my chances, even though I don't need to want this anymore. Sometimes I think writing this down helps, but really it just makes me think of it more and crave it more. Maybe if there wasn't indirect contact between us at least 5 out of the 7 days a week I could really get over this, but unti then I really don't know how, when or if I can.
I've made some bad decisions things I can't change, things I can't take back, things I wish I hadn't done. Now I've got to figure out how to get through them, how to move on and really be done. I compare my feelings here to wining the lottery. Really you know your not going to win, but before you check your numbers you imagine all the wonderful things you will do with all of your money and all the possibilities in store for you. Then just like that you lose and its all gone, but next week you are back for more, with new dreams and hopes and again a let down......
Why is it that just when you think you've got it all figured out everything changes and your back to where you started? I'm so sick of this crap.
Wow it is now early May, I understand alot more now but still not much has changed. I like to think I've gotten a little smarter maybe a little stronger, but I'm still stupid for being in this situation in the first place. The emotion is almost gone, but the longing and hoping is still there. I don't think it's him as much as it is the change I want and need in my life right now. I'm longing for so much more then I have. I really just want things to be the way they were before any of this started.
May 11 2011
So you asked me the other night what I was thinking.... Well the truth is I was thinking I like you but I'm not suppose to. I was thinking this is just suppose to be about sex and that's all it is for you so I need to keep it that way too. I'll probably regret sending this two seconds after I do it but at least I wont be thinking about saying it ne more..........
Well it is now early June, and nope I don't regret saying the above. It is probably the smartest thing I've done in this whole mess of a situation. I couldn't believe what I was reading when he told me he felt the same way too! I guess things are as good as they can get in this messed up situation. I mean I know now and I'm not really stressing over it so much anymore and I'm happy, but...... Now I want more, more then I have, more then there can be, probably more then he wants. Sometimes I wonder if it's really him or the freedom and change that he represents.
I chase it and long for it until I get it then it's like ok I got it now what, do I really want it or do I just want him to want me? I should have sewed my wild oats before settling down, I should have experienced more then I did. Now what, how can I do that, can I, have I waited too long, time is really runing out on that. Heck that ship has sailed but I'm desperately trying to change the wind direction and bring it back, at least for a bit just for a short ride. Deep down I know this will never become anything and later down the road it will just be a bitter sweet memory. He deserves and will get better then what I have to offer.
The reality of this situation makes me sad. I have become the wife I swore I wouldn't be, the one I talked shit about, the one I couldn't understand. I'm not proud of what I'm doing or who I am. I know I'm being selfish and I should stop, but it has ahold of me and I don't want to quit. I want change, I want liberation, most of all I just want help! Help from the man I married, the man who should support me emotionally, spirtually and physically. I feel that all the duties and responsibilties are on my shoulders. I shouldn't say feel I should say are, because honestly they are. I blame myself, but knowingly or not he has pushed me into this.
Today I feel like I am spending my time waiting, waiting for something that will never happen, something that will never become anything, something that wasn't meant to be. It's funny how this situation can make me mad, happy, sad and frustrated all in the same 5 min span. I hate having this feeling I just want to forget about him and move on get past all of this. Why do people have to be so mean why do they have to hurt other people and make them feel like this.
Five minutes is all I asked for, and you couldn't give it to me. I guess that answers my questions that I wanted to ask you in those five minutes.
6/14/11
Well I finally got my five minutes but I should have chose a better time, since we both had been drinking. Sometimes talking just makes things worse and more unclear when that is the exact opposite of what I wanted. I didn't know I could feel like this, I really didn't know your heart could literally hurt. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.
6/24/11
There comes a point when you are no longer mad, or hurt or anything your just done. I hope I can keep this feeling.
7/19/11
Day four today without him and it is definently the hardest so far..... It's been a little over a month since I messed things up.
8/8/11
Well day four was hard but I made it three weeks. Then sadly in a week moment in the middle of the night on Saturday I messaged him, I didn't ask for anything just said I still think of him. Well here came Sunday and he asked to meet up and like a dumbass I did. Today I'm peacefull with everything and don't want or expect anything but dammnit now I've got to get passed day four again!!!!!
8/16/11
First time in a long time that I'm writing in this blog with no emotion. I'm not sad or mad or anything. Things are good, but that damn fourth day. He e-mailed on the fourth day again and I caved. Today is day three. Make it through today and tomorrow with no contact and it will be smooth sailing.
Later on 8/16/11.....
I'm never gonna make it past day four if he keeps contacting me. Now we are texting. I don't like him right now but if we keep this up I'm gonna be back in the bad situation I was in before.
9/19/11
Realizing it's hard loving someone who is never gonna love ya back.
It feels like you've took my world and shook it up, tossed it against the wall a few times and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out which way is up. It's hard to resist you when your the only thing I want.....
9/21/11
TONIGHT IM GETTING ANSWERS! Ha answers ya right not from him. I did tell him I loved him though. Do I? IDK I think I do at points but really I think I just want him because he doesn't want me.
10/19/11
Well I've been strong and haven't talked to him in a week. No fighting or anything really just too busy. I'm too busy tonight also but I want him so bad. I wish he felt the same.
10/26/11
Well once again he's changed. Not sure why or how but he has and I hate it. I wish he would tell me something either I'm done, I need some space or just don't want any right now. I told myself I would just not contact him let it go but I need closure. Urghh I really just need to let it go.
He's ignoring me today, how I love that. Today marks the start of a new year for Daphne, it's time I make up for lost time and let go of all this. Letting go is the hardest part for me.
11/1/11
Just when I think it's done and he can't be a bigger jerk, he totally throws me for a loop and is sweet and sincere and makes me fall back in love with him. We had a good night 10/30 it was one of the best nights in a long time, but one good night doesn't make up for all the misery I put myself through. I keep telling myself to forget about that and it's never alwasy gonna be like that so don't think it will. Luckily I'm getting back to my obsession with dieting and working out and even reading. So maybe just maybe I can let this go once and for all.
12/2/11
For the first time day four feels good. I'm finally letting go. It's been gone since June but I finally am letting go. I just want to get back to being friends only b/c I do miss that. Ahhh the light is shining at the end of this tunnel now I just have to stay on path and I really think I will this time, mainly b/c for the first time I really want to.
12/5/11
He called I said yes.
12/10/11
BUSTED. Chris found the FB messages, doesn't know everything but knows enough. What do I do now?
12/19/11
I want a divorce with every fiber of my body. I need to wait until after Christmas but I don't know if I can last. I know I hurt Chris so much, I wish he would just leave and let me go. Eric is a douche and doesn't give a shit b/c he doesn't have to deal with any of this but yet still wants sex. I gave it to him just b/c I needed a break from every thing at home. I know shit is going to hit the fan soon and I'm ready for all this to just be over.
12/27/11
What a bittersweet day. Chris moves into his new apartment today. I have so many feelings I really don't know what to think. Liberation is awesome but will I be lonely......
1/12/12
I haven't seen him (EB) in a couple weeks. And it's is fine. Yes I would still like to be with him in some fashion but if I never see him again it's ok. I guess I still want him b/c in a way I feel like it is part of the reason my marriage failed. But truly I know the marriage was over long before I started anything with him. I am glad tho that I'm not putting up with his shit any more and not needing him like I was. If he asks I will say yes but I'll never be the one to initiate it again or put myself
1/27/12
Finally a year later I have conquered this situation. I am back to being me, not that clingy whiny girl that is miserable. I don't need him to make me happy, and I realize that he really is a coward and jerk. I am so glad that I don't have to say yes anymore that I can if I want to but for the first time I blew him off and stayed with my friends and it was awesome. Also blew him off two other times after the first.
2/20/12
I'm done. Finally done with Eric, done with this blog and all the bullshit he caused me. I haven't spoke to him in 3 weeks but when he asked today I said no and told him he was a jerk. Thank you God for allowing me to finally be done with this and to be the one who ended it!!!!!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Week 14
Daphne today is Sunday of the beginning of week 14, twice throughout the night I heard you getting a bit cranky and when I went to check on you I realized you had flipped on to your tummy. After waking up and eating this morning I lied you down to play on your back and when I checked on you, you were half way over. After teetering for a few minutes you rolled over, yippee. I flipped you back to your back and you did it again! I am so proud of you, keep up the good work.
So all day Sunday and Monday you continued to roll over. Today is now Wednesday and you haven't rolled over in two days? What is going on are you tricking momma? Mommy and Daddy have been home with you for the last two days due to a major ice storm that has had us snowed in. Temps got down below 10 degrees, it is the coldest that it has been in Texas in 15yrs. It is the coldest weather you and I have ever experienced.
I'm getting a little ticked at your babysitter here lately and being that she is my boss' wife I feel like I can't really say much. She has begun putting you in a bouncer seat and I'm not sure you are ready for that. Also on Monday I learned that she gave you your first taste of ice cream grrrrr. I don't know why it makes me so mad, the fact that I don't want you having table food yet, the fact that she didn't ask or the fact that I didn't get to be the first to experience that with you. Your growing up too fast and I feel I am missing out. You are already half way holding your own bottle.
Well Daph so much for being ticked about a little ice cream. We went out Saturday night with your daddy's family for Uncle Tony's birthday and when I came back in from getting your binky, Uncle Tony had you gnawing on a roll and I saw him dip your binky in his tea and give it to you. We then went to Dairy Queen where he gave you several licks of his strawberry milk shake.
You are also at the stage where you don't really like strangers even though there not strangers, just family that you don't see very often. You will let them hold you for about 30 seconds before you start crying. Sometimes if they don't let you see who is holding you you will sit longer with them.
So all day Sunday and Monday you continued to roll over. Today is now Wednesday and you haven't rolled over in two days? What is going on are you tricking momma? Mommy and Daddy have been home with you for the last two days due to a major ice storm that has had us snowed in. Temps got down below 10 degrees, it is the coldest that it has been in Texas in 15yrs. It is the coldest weather you and I have ever experienced.
I'm getting a little ticked at your babysitter here lately and being that she is my boss' wife I feel like I can't really say much. She has begun putting you in a bouncer seat and I'm not sure you are ready for that. Also on Monday I learned that she gave you your first taste of ice cream grrrrr. I don't know why it makes me so mad, the fact that I don't want you having table food yet, the fact that she didn't ask or the fact that I didn't get to be the first to experience that with you. Your growing up too fast and I feel I am missing out. You are already half way holding your own bottle.
Well Daph so much for being ticked about a little ice cream. We went out Saturday night with your daddy's family for Uncle Tony's birthday and when I came back in from getting your binky, Uncle Tony had you gnawing on a roll and I saw him dip your binky in his tea and give it to you. We then went to Dairy Queen where he gave you several licks of his strawberry milk shake.
You are also at the stage where you don't really like strangers even though there not strangers, just family that you don't see very often. You will let them hold you for about 30 seconds before you start crying. Sometimes if they don't let you see who is holding you you will sit longer with them.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Complicated Life
So toady my daughter is 13 weeks and 4 days old. Wow has my life drastically changed in that short time. My name now is mommy first, anything else comes second. The only thing I know for sure right now is I love that girl and she is and always will be my number one priority. I want the best for her, so much more than I have, then I've done, then who I've become. Seeing her, thinking of her, hearing her brightens my soul. I've never known a love like this, or that it was possible to love someone so unconditionally. Every day my love grows for her it is amazing.
Ok everyday that goes by I feel I become more distant and removed from my husband. I have this bitterness and resentment towards him from things done in the past and things being done now. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to change it. I reseneted Chris for a long time b/c I felt he made me loose out on some of my dreams and that he was dragging me down. Is it really his fault that I allowed this to happen though? Married life before baby was ok but all one sided and very boring, but in a way I had my freedom. I had time to go to the gym, play tennis or hang out with friends. Not that I did it enough, something I am now regretting. I feel like I put in the effort, time and work while he just sits back and enjoys the ride.
So now comes the time when I sound like a nagging, unappreciative bitchy wife. Who else am I to confide in though, other than this blog whom no one reads and I feel all my secrets and insucurities are safe with? So lets start from the begining. Let me state that most of these thoughts, feelings actions probably spring from the fact that I'm not the same timid little girl that he married. I feel like I have grown into a fierce, determined, independent woman, unsure of what she really wants in this life.
Lets start with the root of resentment, something that festered for awhile, then was burried and has now risen again. April 4th 2004, 19 days past my 18th birthday was the day that Chris and I began dating. I still remember a few days early telling my aunt, that he was older but it didn't matter b/c I wasn't looking for anything serious because I was about to head off to college and just wanted a fun summer before that. Little did I know that a week after I graduated I would be moving in with him and throwing away my childhood dream. Through blood, sweat and tears I had been accepted in to my dream school, Texas A&M University with a full 4yr scholarship. I had been told to scale back, that I wouldnt be accepted and to start with a junior college but I didnt listen to that crap. I tried and I succeeded. Temporarily succeeded I guess since I didn't even finish my first semester before dropping out. Originally I was going to live in a dorm, but I didn't file some paper work and missed out on that. No problem, Chris said we would move down there. I remember the first crack he put in my heart, when he came home a few days before we should have been moving to tell me that he had just got this awesome job and that he coudlnt miss this opportunity and that we wouldnt be moving. I remember saying ok and silently balling on the couch. Why didn't I stand my ground, why didnt I go on my own? Needless to say the job only lasted a month or so and I was stuck driving 3 hours one way three times a week to school and working on the days in between. I couldnt do it anymore, I had no time to study and we had no money. Maybe I could have done it, but I didn't and selfishly I blame Chris for it.
Ahhhh maybe this bloggin will help, as I re-read the last paragraph I'm begining to think, why was it all his fault you didnt do everything that you could have either. IDK, I'm still grimacing as I write this though.
At 18 then I thought I new everything, thought I new what would make me happy in this world, boy was I wrong. I'm not sure if now I know what will make me happy, but I do know what wont. I gave away alot of myself for Chris and now that I want it back he doesnt understand.
Ok everyday that goes by I feel I become more distant and removed from my husband. I have this bitterness and resentment towards him from things done in the past and things being done now. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to change it. I reseneted Chris for a long time b/c I felt he made me loose out on some of my dreams and that he was dragging me down. Is it really his fault that I allowed this to happen though? Married life before baby was ok but all one sided and very boring, but in a way I had my freedom. I had time to go to the gym, play tennis or hang out with friends. Not that I did it enough, something I am now regretting. I feel like I put in the effort, time and work while he just sits back and enjoys the ride.
So now comes the time when I sound like a nagging, unappreciative bitchy wife. Who else am I to confide in though, other than this blog whom no one reads and I feel all my secrets and insucurities are safe with? So lets start from the begining. Let me state that most of these thoughts, feelings actions probably spring from the fact that I'm not the same timid little girl that he married. I feel like I have grown into a fierce, determined, independent woman, unsure of what she really wants in this life.
Lets start with the root of resentment, something that festered for awhile, then was burried and has now risen again. April 4th 2004, 19 days past my 18th birthday was the day that Chris and I began dating. I still remember a few days early telling my aunt, that he was older but it didn't matter b/c I wasn't looking for anything serious because I was about to head off to college and just wanted a fun summer before that. Little did I know that a week after I graduated I would be moving in with him and throwing away my childhood dream. Through blood, sweat and tears I had been accepted in to my dream school, Texas A&M University with a full 4yr scholarship. I had been told to scale back, that I wouldnt be accepted and to start with a junior college but I didnt listen to that crap. I tried and I succeeded. Temporarily succeeded I guess since I didn't even finish my first semester before dropping out. Originally I was going to live in a dorm, but I didn't file some paper work and missed out on that. No problem, Chris said we would move down there. I remember the first crack he put in my heart, when he came home a few days before we should have been moving to tell me that he had just got this awesome job and that he coudlnt miss this opportunity and that we wouldnt be moving. I remember saying ok and silently balling on the couch. Why didn't I stand my ground, why didnt I go on my own? Needless to say the job only lasted a month or so and I was stuck driving 3 hours one way three times a week to school and working on the days in between. I couldnt do it anymore, I had no time to study and we had no money. Maybe I could have done it, but I didn't and selfishly I blame Chris for it.
Ahhhh maybe this bloggin will help, as I re-read the last paragraph I'm begining to think, why was it all his fault you didnt do everything that you could have either. IDK, I'm still grimacing as I write this though.
At 18 then I thought I new everything, thought I new what would make me happy in this world, boy was I wrong. I'm not sure if now I know what will make me happy, but I do know what wont. I gave away alot of myself for Chris and now that I want it back he doesnt understand.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Week 13
Well Daphne your are finally on formula only. I thought you would eat less often but you now want a four ounce bottle nearly every 2 hours. That's ok, you need to grow you are still so little, you still wear 0-3months and some newborn stuff. You still haven't rolled over but you are getting close. You can get your little body about half way over but you keep your head thrown back and can't get it over. The weekend of your 13th week was rather warm, it got up to like 80 and the AC in daddy's truck wasn't working. You got hot and a little sweaty for the first time and really didn't like it. You were fussy from it all day. LOL
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
3 months
Daphne you are 3 months old now, a quarter of a year already. Time has flown by and you have grown and developed so much. You amaze me with every milestone and your ability to adapt to anything without problems. I stopped breastfeeding you last week and you went straight to formula like a champ with no problems. You still hate tummy time but are progressing towards rolling over from your back to your tummy. You get about half way there but can't quite figure out how to get the rest of the way over. You also are starting to learn bye bye and are trying to move your hand when I do it to you. You kinda like to take a bath now but really hate lotion time. You are giving your daddy fits and scream every time you are left with him. Daph I tried giving you rice cerel over the weekend, but you didn't want anyting to do with it. You screamed and spit it all out.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Week 11
Daphne today in Monday of week 11. You woke up at 3:30 this morning just laughing and smiling. It was so cute, I just wanted to stay up and play with you but I couldn't because I had to get up in a hour to get ready for work. It snowed yesterday it was to warm to stick, but it was your first snow. I got you home from daycare Monday and I found out the little girls there were saying you stunk. Poor thing you smelly skunky but its ok we all do. I will one day get rid of those skunks I feel so bad that you have to smell and smell like a skunk if we don't get rid of them soon we will be moving. You hate tummy time, the second you are put down you starting fussing. I am going to keep putting you on your tummy though so you can learn to roll over and crawl.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Week 10
I think of you all day when I am not with you and look at your pics often. I never thought I could have so much love for one little person. You have changed me for the better and made me a very happy person. I never thought I would have kids, but now I don't know how I would live without you. At night you move around so much in your crib that it's like a game finding you. I love going in your room in the middle of the night and seeing how you have turned yourself. You must wiggle around like a little worm b/c i have you wrapped up in your swaddle blanket and you can't move your arms. Wrapping you up is the only way that you sleep soundly.
So it really breaks my heart that I only get a few hours with you a day while you are awake. The last two nights you have not slept through the night, you have woken up once a night for a few minutes. I think it's God giving me a few extra moments with you, I wouldn't mind getting no sleep at night if I just got a little more time with you. Sometimes I think you are going to think Mrs. Judy is your mom and not me, daddy and everyone else keeps telling me that won't happen but it's hard leaving you with another woman for so long each day.
This week you really love eating the palm of your hand. Last week it was your fingers.
So it really breaks my heart that I only get a few hours with you a day while you are awake. The last two nights you have not slept through the night, you have woken up once a night for a few minutes. I think it's God giving me a few extra moments with you, I wouldn't mind getting no sleep at night if I just got a little more time with you. Sometimes I think you are going to think Mrs. Judy is your mom and not me, daddy and everyone else keeps telling me that won't happen but it's hard leaving you with another woman for so long each day.
This week you really love eating the palm of your hand. Last week it was your fingers.
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