So toady my daughter is 13 weeks and 4 days old. Wow has my life drastically changed in that short time. My name now is mommy first, anything else comes second. The only thing I know for sure right now is I love that girl and she is and always will be my number one priority. I want the best for her, so much more than I have, then I've done, then who I've become. Seeing her, thinking of her, hearing her brightens my soul. I've never known a love like this, or that it was possible to love someone so unconditionally. Every day my love grows for her it is amazing.
Ok everyday that goes by I feel I become more distant and removed from my husband. I have this bitterness and resentment towards him from things done in the past and things being done now. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to change it. I reseneted Chris for a long time b/c I felt he made me loose out on some of my dreams and that he was dragging me down. Is it really his fault that I allowed this to happen though? Married life before baby was ok but all one sided and very boring, but in a way I had my freedom. I had time to go to the gym, play tennis or hang out with friends. Not that I did it enough, something I am now regretting. I feel like I put in the effort, time and work while he just sits back and enjoys the ride.
So now comes the time when I sound like a nagging, unappreciative bitchy wife. Who else am I to confide in though, other than this blog whom no one reads and I feel all my secrets and insucurities are safe with? So lets start from the begining. Let me state that most of these thoughts, feelings actions probably spring from the fact that I'm not the same timid little girl that he married. I feel like I have grown into a fierce, determined, independent woman, unsure of what she really wants in this life.
Lets start with the root of resentment, something that festered for awhile, then was burried and has now risen again. April 4th 2004, 19 days past my 18th birthday was the day that Chris and I began dating. I still remember a few days early telling my aunt, that he was older but it didn't matter b/c I wasn't looking for anything serious because I was about to head off to college and just wanted a fun summer before that. Little did I know that a week after I graduated I would be moving in with him and throwing away my childhood dream. Through blood, sweat and tears I had been accepted in to my dream school, Texas A&M University with a full 4yr scholarship. I had been told to scale back, that I wouldnt be accepted and to start with a junior college but I didnt listen to that crap. I tried and I succeeded. Temporarily succeeded I guess since I didn't even finish my first semester before dropping out. Originally I was going to live in a dorm, but I didn't file some paper work and missed out on that. No problem, Chris said we would move down there. I remember the first crack he put in my heart, when he came home a few days before we should have been moving to tell me that he had just got this awesome job and that he coudlnt miss this opportunity and that we wouldnt be moving. I remember saying ok and silently balling on the couch. Why didn't I stand my ground, why didnt I go on my own? Needless to say the job only lasted a month or so and I was stuck driving 3 hours one way three times a week to school and working on the days in between. I couldnt do it anymore, I had no time to study and we had no money. Maybe I could have done it, but I didn't and selfishly I blame Chris for it.
Ahhhh maybe this bloggin will help, as I re-read the last paragraph I'm begining to think, why was it all his fault you didnt do everything that you could have either. IDK, I'm still grimacing as I write this though.
At 18 then I thought I new everything, thought I new what would make me happy in this world, boy was I wrong. I'm not sure if now I know what will make me happy, but I do know what wont. I gave away alot of myself for Chris and now that I want it back he doesnt understand.
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