Feelings

1/31/11

Today my head is a jumbled mess. I know what I should do, but that and what I want to do are two completely different things. Why is doing what is right never the fun thing to do? I've got myself in this mess and I know how to get out of it, but I don't want to. I know until I end things my mind is going to be messed up but I just don't want to do it yet. I swear it is good that I never tried drugs, because I really think I would have become an addict. I get so addicted and fixated on one thing and I can't get it off my mind. Before it was dieting, and all the food I wanted to eat, it's also been how to get rid of skunks, there forever it was my pregnancy and comparing it to everyone elses and at one time it was Daphne and now it is EB. Wow just putting that in righting makes me even crazier. This wasn't suppose to be about emotions, and in a way it still isn't but in a way it is. I hate that even as I am writing this, trying to move on I have to stop to check my dang e-mail hoping there is something there, disappointed when there is not and relived that maybe it is over.

Urghh how and why did I ever let it get to this and how and why did I lose my fixation on my daughter? I still love her more than anything I just don't think of her constantly. Oh that makes me sad writing that, but maybe putting it out here will make me change my ways. I also want to put down(maybe in a way to justify it to myself) but I had to stop thinking of her when I came back to work, it was the only way to get through the day. I missed her too much and it was too hard to think about her and not be with her. It's bittersweet, when I'm at work I get to just be Kim again, not Mom. I never wanted to be a mom, just didn't think that it was in my cards, but I guess God called my bluff and knew this is what was meant to be.

In a way being a mom you lose yourself, but yet you are gaining this wonderful new life. Losing my independence and solidarity has been the hardest, I think it is the reason I'm looking for something new, but I wasn't looking for anything until it came to me and I went with it. I love my little girl, but I love the person I was before and I have yet to figure out how to make them one in the same.

Before I got pregnant was the first time in my life that I actually felt hot and good about myself. I had worked hard to lose 78lbs and built up my confidence. Getting pregnant took all of that away. Now my self confidence is probably at an all time low and I cant get it through my head that I am fine just the way I am. I only see the imperfections and flaws not my attributes. When will I grow up and not worry if someone finds me hot or not when will I really see what is important in life and stop being so vain?

The first three or four years in my marriage I completely lost who I was before and became content just being a wife. Now how I regret wasting that time and missing out on being young wild and free. I want that time back but I know that ship has sailed. Chris never liked for me to go out, so instead of fighting with him I just stayed home, but now I feel like the fight is worth my happiness. Do I really want to go out that much or is it the fact that my best friend is getting a divorce and she has her freedom back? Is it because of this new thing that has come in my life making me find an excuse to go out? Is it because I have a baby now and I should be staying home and I'm rebelling against that? If I don't know what I truly want or feel how am I ever going to get past this. Most of the time people say my heart feels one way and my head another, but this is all in my head. The only emotions I feel are for my daughter. As far as anyone else goes, including my husband I really feel nothing.

He has hurt me so much lately that I kinda feel dead inside. I feel like I just want to be out on my own, just me and Daphne sink or swim. Maybe all of this is just a way to get back at him, to make him realize how much he hurt me. To let him know that I'm not gonna be used anymore and I'm not his door mat. I don't know if I really want this or if I just like feeling wanted. I don't feel like I pursued any of this and know I didn't have any of these intentions when it started, but now what am I trying to get out of it?

I fear after this weekend, that I have let emotions get into this and for that reason, along with about a million others, I feel this has to end. Saying that is so much easier than doing it. I should talk to him about this but then it just makes it more real and gets me more involved when I should be stepping back. I think the best thing for me right now is to start a new project, get something to keep my mind busy.





Ok so it's been a few days since I started writing this and I think it is over or at least coming to an end. Was it worth it, no. Will I do it again I sure as hell hope not, but I'm an idiot so who knows. It's a peaceful feeling that I think its over, but also pisses me off that I really wasn't the one who ended it. My heart kinda hurts a bit but more I think it is my pride............ I don't even really know whats going on. I tell you one thing having an open relationship where you can talk about anything without repercussion is really nice and not having it sucks.


Ok so maybe it's not over, but I have the upper hand now. I'm not going to be used or taken advantage of, I've let that happen far too many times and this will not be one of them. You know maybe I think too much into this and now I'm priddy sure emotions are involved, but I'm drawing back, I'm not going to have feelings. "I'm a little bit stronger now"

I hate these feelings, I hate that I let myself get attached. I hope that I'm strong enough to still stay away and not go back. I hate this why am I so retarded, do I know what all I will be throwing away. Is a little bit of fun right now worth the last 7 years. Ok so the e-mail is here, the moment of truth what to do what to do? Oh man this really sucks, I really want to e-mail him back now, my head says no make him wait like your not interested deep down my heart says end it Chris is your husband. Why is my mind stronger than my heart right now?

Ok so this is just going to be one continually long blog that I probably never publish, but hope I do finish one day. I'm now to the pissed off point, which is good b/c that means I will be able to end it sooner and on my terms. I don't like to be jacked around or used or forgotten and maybe I'm not but I feel that way and I hate it.

Well last night I said I quit, it was the last words I said. Half of me really wants it to be over with and the other half is hoping he comes begging me back. I feel more at ease with everything now then I have in a long time though. Really it doesn't matter one way or another, either way I will still see him nearly daily and we will be friends.

My mind set is finally changing back to normal. I'm focusing on getting in shape again and starting to leave other things alone.

Ok so previous to this paragraph everything was written late January early February. It is now late March and although I am stronger now I still am just as confused and aggravated as what to do with this situation. I want more then there can and ever will be. I need to quit, but for whatever reason I can't make myself do it. This situation has consumed me, I wish he would leave the ranch, be gone and I could move on. I really should have thought this through better, hell I really should have thought of the consequences and never have done anything. It's not so much the physical act of getting caught, as it is the emotional baggage it has with it. Even not being caught my head is in a whirlwind of emotions. One minute I think ok I'm done with this, the next I'm longing for it. My head hurts, my heart hurts, I just want to run away, run away and be done with it. Pack Daph a bag and drive, drive until I don't think anymore.

Is there any way to turn your brain off, to stop thinking altogether? I don't know what I want anymore, not only in this situation but for the rest of my life. Is being content good enough? I want so much more then I have, to do so much more then I've done, or am doing.

I haven't talked to him all week, as long as it stays this way I think I can get through it. I want him to e-mail me but I need him not to, only time will tell.

I think it is just time to talk, this not knowing shit is pissing me off. I think I could deal with things better if it was one way or another, not this inbetween, mabye crap. I don't want to be the one to break the silence but I have to know. I don't even know what the fuck happened why there is silence?

Maybe I should move all this to my blog that is entitled "stupid, stupid," because that is what this all is. Why do I want what I don't need? Why do I want what will and has hurt me? Why can't I let it go? I want to but I can't. I've prayed to, but I'm still pushing for it. I hate this feeling, I wish I never would have done any of this that way I wouldn't know what I know and wouldn't care and wouldn't want any of it. Why are guys such douche bags why can't they just say it's over instead of just avoiding you. It's priddy chicken shit actually. I could talk to him and tell him off, but I don't want to be a Bitch and I don't want to mess up my chances, even though I don't need to want this anymore. Sometimes I think writing this down helps, but really it just makes me think of it more and crave it more. Maybe if there wasn't indirect contact between us at least 5 out of the 7 days a week I could really get over this, but unti then I really don't know how, when or if I can.

I've made some bad decisions things I can't change, things I can't take back, things I wish I hadn't done. Now I've got to figure out how to get through them, how to move on and really be done. I compare my feelings here to wining the lottery. Really you know your not going to win, but before you check your numbers you imagine all the wonderful things you will do with all of your money and all the possibilities in store for you. Then just like that you lose and its all gone, but next week you are back for more, with new dreams and hopes and again a let down......

Why is it that just when you think you've got it all figured out everything changes and your back to where you started? I'm so sick of this crap.

Wow it is now early May, I understand alot more now but still not much has changed. I like to think I've gotten a little smarter maybe a little stronger, but I'm still stupid for being in this situation in the first place. The emotion is almost gone, but the longing and hoping is still there. I don't think it's him as much as it is the change I want and need in my life right now. I'm longing for so much more then I have. I really just want things to be the way they were before any of this started.

May 11 2011

So you asked me the other night what I was thinking.... Well the truth is I was thinking I like you but I'm not suppose to. I was thinking this is just suppose to be about sex and that's all it is for you so I need to keep it that way too. I'll probably regret sending this two seconds after I do it but at least I wont be thinking about saying it ne more..........


Well it is now early June, and nope I don't regret saying the above. It is probably the smartest thing I've done in this whole mess of a situation. I couldn't believe what I was reading when he told me he felt the same way too! I guess things are as good as they can get in this messed up situation. I mean I know now and I'm not really stressing over it so much anymore and I'm happy, but...... Now I want more, more then I have, more then there can be, probably more then he wants. Sometimes I wonder if it's really him or the freedom and change that he represents.

I chase it and long for it until I get it then it's like ok I got it now what, do I really want it or do I just want him to want me? I should have sewed my wild oats before settling down, I should have experienced more then I did. Now what, how can I do that, can I, have I waited too long, time is really runing out on that. Heck that ship has sailed but I'm desperately trying to change the wind direction and bring it back, at least for a bit just for a short ride. Deep down I know this will never become anything and later down the road it will just be a bitter sweet memory. He deserves and will get better then what I have to offer.

The reality of this situation makes me sad. I have become the wife I swore I wouldn't be, the one I talked shit about, the one I couldn't understand. I'm not proud of what I'm doing or who I am. I know I'm being selfish and I should stop, but it has ahold of me and I don't want to quit. I want change, I want liberation, most of all I just want help! Help from the man I married, the man who should support me emotionally, spirtually and physically. I feel that all the duties and responsibilties are on my shoulders. I shouldn't say feel I should say are, because honestly they are. I blame myself, but knowingly or not he has pushed me into this.

Today I feel like I am spending my time waiting, waiting for something that will never happen, something that will never become anything, something that wasn't meant to be. It's funny how this situation can make me mad, happy, sad and frustrated all in the same 5 min span. I hate having this feeling I just want to forget about him and move on get past all of this. Why do people have to be so mean why do they have to hurt other people and make them feel like this.


Five minutes is all I asked for, and you couldn't give it to me. I guess that answers my questions that I wanted to ask you in those five minutes.

6/14/11

Well I finally got my five minutes but I should have chose a better time, since we both had been drinking. Sometimes talking just makes things worse and more unclear when that is the exact opposite of what I wanted. I didn't know I could feel like this, I really didn't know your heart could literally hurt. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.

6/24/11
There comes a point when you are no longer mad, or hurt or anything your just done. I hope I can keep this feeling.


7/19/11
Day four today without him and it is definently the hardest so far..... It's been a little over a month since I messed things up.

8/8/11
Well day four was hard but I made it three weeks. Then sadly in a week moment in the middle of the night on Saturday I messaged him, I didn't ask for anything just said I still think of him. Well here came Sunday and he asked to meet up and like a dumbass I did. Today I'm peacefull with everything and don't want or expect anything but dammnit now I've got to get passed day four again!!!!!


8/16/11
First time in a long time that I'm writing in this blog with no emotion. I'm not sad or mad or anything. Things are good, but that damn fourth day. He e-mailed on the fourth day again and I caved. Today is day three. Make it through today and tomorrow with no contact and it will be smooth sailing.

Later on 8/16/11.....
I'm never gonna make it past day four if he keeps contacting me. Now we are texting. I don't like him right now but if we keep this up I'm gonna be back in the bad situation I was in before.


9/19/11
Realizing it's hard loving someone who is never gonna love ya back.

It feels like you've took my world and shook it up, tossed it against the wall a few times and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out which way is up. It's hard to resist you when your the only thing I want.....

9/21/11

TONIGHT IM GETTING ANSWERS! Ha answers ya right not from him. I did tell him I loved him though. Do I? IDK I think I do at points but really I think I just want him because he doesn't want me.

10/19/11

Well I've been strong and haven't talked to him in a week. No fighting or anything really just too busy. I'm too busy tonight also but I want him so bad. I wish he felt the same.

10/26/11

Well once again he's changed. Not sure why or how but he has and I hate it. I wish he would tell me something either I'm done, I need some space or just don't want any right now. I told myself I would just not contact him let it go but I need closure. Urghh I really just need to let it go.

He's ignoring me today, how I love that. Today marks the start of a new year for Daphne, it's time I make up for lost time and let go of all this. Letting go is the hardest part for me.

11/1/11

Just when I think it's done and he can't be a bigger jerk, he totally throws me for a loop and is sweet and sincere and makes me fall back in love with him. We had a good night 10/30 it was one of the best nights in a long time, but one good night doesn't make up for all the misery I put myself through. I keep telling myself to forget about that and it's never alwasy gonna be like that so don't think it will. Luckily I'm getting back to my obsession with dieting and working out and even reading. So maybe just maybe I can let this go once and for all.

12/2/11

For the first time day four feels good. I'm finally letting go. It's been gone since June but I finally am letting go. I just want to get back to being friends only b/c I do miss that. Ahhh the light is shining at the end of this tunnel now I just have to stay on path and I really think I will this time, mainly b/c for the first time I really want to.


12/5/11

He called I said yes.

12/10/11

BUSTED. Chris found the FB messages, doesn't know everything but knows enough. What do I do now?


12/19/11

I want a divorce with every fiber of my body. I need to wait until after Christmas but I don't know if I can last. I know I hurt Chris so much, I wish he would just leave and let me go. Eric is a douche and doesn't give a shit b/c he doesn't have to deal with any of this but yet still wants sex. I gave it to him just b/c I needed a break from every thing at home. I know shit is going to hit the fan soon and I'm ready for all this to just be over.



12/27/11

What a bittersweet day. Chris moves into his new apartment today. I have so many feelings I really don't know what to think. Liberation is awesome but will I be lonely......



1/12/12

I haven't seen him (EB) in a couple weeks. And it's is fine. Yes I would still like to be with him in some fashion but if I never see him again it's ok. I guess I still want him b/c in a way I feel like it is part of the reason my marriage failed. But truly I know the marriage was over long before I started anything with him. I am glad tho that I'm not putting up with his shit any more and not needing him like I was. If he asks I will say yes but I'll never be the one to initiate it again or put myself


1/27/12

Finally a year later I have conquered this situation. I am back to being me, not that clingy whiny girl that is miserable. I don't need him to make me happy, and I realize that he really is a coward and jerk. I am so glad that I don't have to say yes anymore that I can if I want to but for the first time I blew him off and stayed with my friends and it was awesome. Also blew him off two other times after the first.

2/20/12

I'm done. Finally done with Eric, done with this blog and all the bullshit he caused me. I haven't spoke to him in 3 weeks but when he asked today I said no and told him he was a jerk. Thank you God for allowing me to finally be done with this and to be the one who ended it!!!!!

Week 14

Daphne today is Sunday of the beginning of week 14, twice throughout the night I heard you getting a bit cranky and when I went to check on you I realized you had flipped on to your tummy. After waking up and eating this morning I lied you down to play on your back and when I checked on you, you were half way over. After teetering for a few minutes you rolled over, yippee. I flipped you back to your back and you did it again! I am so proud of you, keep up the good work.

So all day Sunday and Monday you continued to roll over. Today is now Wednesday and you haven't rolled over in two days? What is going on are you tricking momma? Mommy and Daddy have been home with you for the last two days due to a major ice storm that has had us snowed in. Temps got down below 10 degrees, it is the coldest that it has been in Texas in 15yrs. It is the coldest weather you and I have ever experienced.

I'm getting a little ticked at your babysitter here lately and being that she is my boss' wife I feel like I can't really say much. She has begun putting you in a bouncer seat and I'm not sure you are ready for that. Also on Monday I learned that she gave you your first taste of ice cream grrrrr. I don't know why it makes me so mad, the fact that I don't want you having table food yet, the fact that she didn't ask or the fact that I didn't get to be the first to experience that with you. Your growing up too fast and I feel I am missing out. You are already half way holding your own bottle.

Well Daph so much for being ticked about a little ice cream. We went out Saturday night with your daddy's family for Uncle Tony's birthday and when I came back in from getting your binky, Uncle Tony had you gnawing on a roll and I saw him dip your binky in his tea and give it to you. We then went to Dairy Queen where he gave you several licks of his strawberry milk shake.

You are also at the stage where you don't really like strangers even though there not strangers, just family that you don't see very often. You will let them hold you for about 30 seconds before you start crying. Sometimes if they don't let you see who is holding you you will sit longer with them.

Complicated Life

So toady my daughter is 13 weeks and 4 days old. Wow has my life drastically changed in that short time. My name now is mommy first, anything else comes second. The only thing I know for sure right now is I love that girl and she is and always will be my number one priority. I want the best for her, so much more than I have, then I've done, then who I've become. Seeing her, thinking of her, hearing her brightens my soul. I've never known a love like this, or that it was possible to love someone so unconditionally. Every day my love grows for her it is amazing.


Ok everyday that goes by I feel I become more distant and removed from my husband. I have this bitterness and resentment towards him from things done in the past and things being done now. I hate feeling this way but don't know how to change it. I reseneted Chris for a long time b/c I felt he made me loose out on some of my dreams and that he was dragging me down. Is it really his fault that I allowed this to happen though? Married life before baby was ok but all one sided and very boring, but in a way I had my freedom. I had time to go to the gym, play tennis or hang out with friends. Not that I did it enough, something I am now regretting. I feel like I put in the effort, time and work while he just sits back and enjoys the ride.

So now comes the time when I sound like a nagging, unappreciative bitchy wife. Who else am I to confide in though, other than this blog whom no one reads and I feel all my secrets and insucurities are safe with? So lets start from the begining. Let me state that most of these thoughts, feelings actions probably spring from the fact that I'm not the same timid little girl that he married. I feel like I have grown into a fierce, determined, independent woman, unsure of what she really wants in this life.

Lets start with the root of resentment, something that festered for awhile, then was burried and has now risen again. April 4th 2004, 19 days past my 18th birthday was the day that Chris and I began dating. I still remember a few days early telling my aunt, that he was older but it didn't matter b/c I wasn't looking for anything serious because I was about to head off to college and just wanted a fun summer before that. Little did I know that a week after I graduated I would be moving in with him and throwing away my childhood dream. Through blood, sweat and tears I had been accepted in to my dream school, Texas A&M University with a full 4yr scholarship. I had been told to scale back, that I wouldnt be accepted and to start with a junior college but I didnt listen to that crap. I tried and I succeeded. Temporarily succeeded I guess since I didn't even finish my first semester before dropping out. Originally I was going to live in a dorm, but I didn't file some paper work and missed out on that. No problem, Chris said we would move down there. I remember the first crack he put in my heart, when he came home a few days before we should have been moving to tell me that he had just got this awesome job and that he coudlnt miss this opportunity and that we wouldnt be moving. I remember saying ok and silently balling on the couch. Why didn't I stand my ground, why didnt I go on my own? Needless to say the job only lasted a month or so and I was stuck driving 3 hours one way three times a week to school and working on the days in between. I couldnt do it anymore, I had no time to study and we had no money. Maybe I could have done it, but I didn't and selfishly I blame Chris for it.

Ahhhh maybe this bloggin will help, as I re-read the last paragraph I'm begining to think, why was it all his fault you didnt do everything that you could have either. IDK, I'm still grimacing as I write this though.

At 18 then I thought I new everything, thought I new what would make me happy in this world, boy was I wrong. I'm not sure if now I know what will make me happy, but I do know what wont. I gave away alot of myself for Chris and now that I want it back he doesnt understand.

Week 13

Well Daphne your are finally on formula only. I thought you would eat less often but you now want a four ounce bottle nearly every 2 hours. That's ok, you need to grow you are still so little, you still wear 0-3months and some newborn stuff. You still haven't rolled over but you are getting close. You can get your little body about half way over but you keep your head thrown back and can't get it over. The weekend of your 13th week was rather warm, it got up to like 80 and the AC in daddy's truck wasn't working. You got hot and a little sweaty for the first time and really didn't like it. You were fussy from it all day. LOL

3 months

Daphne you are 3 months old now, a quarter of a year already. Time has flown by and you have grown and developed so much. You amaze me with every milestone and your ability to adapt to anything without problems. I stopped breastfeeding you last week and you went straight to formula like a champ with no problems. You still hate tummy time but are progressing towards rolling over from your back to your tummy. You get about half way there but can't quite figure out how to get the rest of the way over. You also are starting to learn bye bye and are trying to move your hand when I do it to you. You kinda like to take a bath now but really hate lotion time. You are giving your daddy fits and scream every time you are left with him. Daph I tried giving you rice cerel over the weekend, but you didn't want anyting to do with it. You screamed and spit it all out.

Week 11

Daphne today in Monday of week 11. You woke up at 3:30 this morning just laughing and smiling. It was so cute, I just wanted to stay up and play with you but I couldn't because I had to get up in a hour to get ready for work. It snowed yesterday it was to warm to stick, but it was your first snow. I got you home from daycare Monday and I found out the little girls there were saying you stunk. Poor thing you smelly skunky but its ok we all do. I will one day get rid of those skunks I feel so bad that you have to smell and smell like a skunk if we don't get rid of them soon we will be moving. You hate tummy time, the second you are put down you starting fussing. I am going to keep putting you on your tummy though so you can learn to roll over and crawl.

Week 10

I think of you all day when I am not with you and look at your pics often. I never thought I could have so much love for one little person. You have changed me for the better and made me a very happy person. I never thought I would have kids, but now I don't know how I would live without you. At night you move around so much in your crib that it's like a game finding you. I love going in your room in the middle of the night and seeing how you have turned yourself. You must wiggle around like a little worm b/c i have you wrapped up in your swaddle blanket and you can't move your arms. Wrapping you up is the only way that you sleep soundly.

So it really breaks my heart that I only get a few hours with you a day while you are awake. The last two nights you have not slept through the night, you have woken up once a night for a few minutes. I think it's God giving me a few extra moments with you, I wouldn't mind getting no sleep at night if I just got a little more time with you. Sometimes I think you are going to think Mrs. Judy is your mom and not me, daddy and everyone else keeps telling me that won't happen but it's hard leaving you with another woman for so long each day.

This week you really love eating the palm of your hand. Last week it was your fingers.